Does your life feel meaningful in general?
Do you live most of your time in the present, feeling engaged and connected? Do you go to bed feeling fulfilled about the day you just had and excited about what’s to come tomorrow? Do you feel secure? Do you feel happy?
Or does your life feel meaningless most of the time? Do you have this gnawing voice in your head that tells you that you’re failing? That you will never be good enough or do enough so what’s the point of even trying? Do you feel stuck and numb in a self-defeating cycle? Do you drown out your emotions? Does every day feel like the stupid same old shit from the day before that you just do that you have to, only to wake up and have to do it again?
Which paradigm do you feel most, at this time in your life? I really would like to know.
I’ve met a couple people in my life whose lives seem genuinely… good, but most people I’ve met seem to express feelings that match the second description so that’s what's what I'm focusing on today. That feeling of purposelessness.
Our cultural narrative tells us we can achieve meaning through things outside of us:
- Religion
- Education
- Relationships (specifically marriage)
- Children
- Work
-Money
If you do find meaning in those things, that’s amazing. I’m serious, that’s really awesome! We need more people who are full and happy. I’m genuinely glad you found a purpose in life!
But for other people, we spend time pursuing things because it’s what we’re supposed to do. When we finally do get what we want and they don’t make us happy- we feel like failures. “My best friend is married and she’s so happy! Why do I feel angry every time my husband walks through the door?!”
That’s what happens when we aren’t connected with ourselves. When we aren’t guided by our truest desires but instead by what everyone else tells us we should do. Which is very easy to do.
When we’re young we’re told to do what we love… unless it’s unconventional or “frivolous”, in that case, pick something else. Something profitable. So we stifle what we love and try to fit in.
We grow up being told to hide our “bad” emotions like anger and sadness because they reflect badly on your parents (which is very unhealthy- one person’s actions/feelings only reflect on that person, not anyone else). Instead of learning how to embrace our emotions, learn to discern what they’re telling us, comfort ourselves and embrace healthy conflict, we bury them. But Buried emotions never go away, they only fester.
We start going to school as young children where we learn how to be proper. Play is not a priority, instead listening to an authority is. We learn to read, we learn to write, we learn to count, we learn to obey. The way we’re taught is controlled, regulated, structured and directed. If you’re not good at sitting still, learning by listening, and living in a hierarchy, then there is something wrong with you. We are told this is the only way to learn. We learn to stifle our true desires, our true nature, to fit the mold.
We’re bombarded with advertisements since we’re young, telling us we need X to be happy. You need to look like this to be beautiful and you NEED to be beautiful because beauty = happiness. Beauty = self=worth. Beauty = Love. You need to have X to be a man. You need to act like X to be a man. You need to be strong and unemotional and ripped for ladies to like you. Or else you will be all alone.
You need to be all these things that you aren’t. You always need something. Something you don’t have, that you’ll never have, because advertisements will always tell you that you’re incomplete. You are not perfect the way you are.
We learn there’s one way to live and only one way. You go to school, go to college, get a job, have a family, retire, that’s it. There’s no way out. There’s no other way. You need to contribute to society. If you don’t contribute to this never ending machine of “progress” then you are worthless. You are not inherently valuable because you exist, you only have value for what you do, what you produce, how much money you make others. Without that you are nothing.
We’re told the essence of who we are must be modified to be acceptable, that anger about that must be hidden, that we are forever not enough, and we only will be if you’re unattainably “perfect”. I’m not surprised that suicide was the 10th leading cause of death in 2013, most people will be depressed in their lifetime, and we’ve had more than 200 shootings in America in 2016. To reiterate, buried emotions only fester.
Destruction and violence is what happens when we’re taught to push away our true selves. There’s a small, young child that lives inside every person who only wants love, play, connection and happiness. The world is generally not very kind to that part, so we try to hide it- or kill it. But it never goes away. It can be repressed, numbed, hurt- but it’s still there, waiting for us.
We need love. Since we live in a world that’s in a drought at the moment, we need to learn to give it to ourselves.
Now, loving yourself doesn’t mean you think you’re the best person in the world who is amazingly perfect. It doesn’t mean liking yourself all the time or feeling good constantly. That’s unrealistic- you can’t control what you feel.
Love isn’t just a feeling, it’s an action. Loving yourself means having compassion for yourself and learning to meet your needs. You may not know what you need if you’ve been taught to ignore them your entire life- but that’s okay. That’s normal.
Here’s something you can do: the next time you feel sad instead of saying,
“You stupid baby! You are always so weak and dumb, shut the fuck up! So-and-so was right about you! You’re WORTHLESS!”
Try instead:
“Hey, I’m sorry you’re upset. That must really be hard. Yeah, well, it’s okay to be sad. It’s a normal human emotion. Every person in the world gets sad but guess what? You don’t have to be alone, I’ll be here with you through it. Thank you for being so brave.”
Doing this is giving yourself space to feel what’s there, which considerably shortens the duration of the emotion. Acknowledged, expressed feelings do not fester, they move on like a storm. It may take a little while if you have repressed emotions but they will eventually move on. This opens the pathway to healing and the world needs people to heal.
Now you’re probably going to have thoughts that try to stop you. You may have mean, critical thoughts that tell you you’re being dumb, you’re wallowing, you’re feeling sorry for yourself, other people have it worse etc. Acknowledge those thoughts, but do not dwell. When you tend to your emotions in the way I described you are doing something amazing. You are helping regulate them so they don’t subconsciously control you. You are lifting the weight of the pain you’ve carried your entire life.
Look up the neurological effects of self-compassion vs. self-criticism. Criticism triggers you to feel threatened and fearful, compassion releases oxytocin, the love hormone. We need more love in this world- especially if it’s geared to ourselves!
If you forget to be compassionate or revert back to critical ways- that’s okay. Breaking a habit is hard. Be sensitive to yourself for forgetting. You are doing something amazing buy taking care of yourself. You’re changing the world.
You can’t decide what path is right for you or what would add richness to your life if you’re running from something as essential as your own emotions. You need to be on your own team to fulfill your potential. This is the first step to finding meaning in your life.