Empathy IS active listening. It’s a skill of great sophistication that we should all practice in order to achieve better relations with our beloved ones.
It’s about reflecting feelings and paraphrasing content. About giving a feedback that enhances the others’ personal growth and self- esteem. It’s about staying in silence, not having anything to say but simple responses such as : Oh, tell me more, then, Uh-huh, I ’m listening... It’s about total concentration ...about reading the silence, focusing on the content, keeping with total respect within the others’ comfort zone. In one word saying nothing more than what is said.
It’s the capacity to step into the others’ shoes and step out again. It’s the will and effort to look at the world through his own window, perceive his inner world through his –her eyes.
Empathy needs perfect listening in order to thrive.
Now how many of us can do it? How many of us can listen to what the other says from his point of reference?
Very few because this is not just a skill one develops, a technique one undertakes in a training course, a qualification that one is awarded. It’s rather a way of being, the highest quality one can demonstrate when one is competent to feel as if one were the other person, while being able to stand back and remain objective and be close enough to walk alongside.
It’s not a gift from the Gods, it is a skill we can develop and need to do so. Nowadays communication is poor and misunderstandings, disputes, anger and frustration prevail.
Empathy establishes a climate of safety and trust and is one of the core conditions that facilitates our openness to the other and our genuineness.
Let’s be precise with an example of active listening. The following dialogue is a real conversation between a mother and a young teenager and comes from Dr. Thomas Gordons’ book on PET.
(ado)- I wish I could get ill more often as Tonya. She is really lucky.
(Mum)- You are jealous of Tonya of being ill so often.
-Yes ! She , sometimes, doesn’t go to school , I on the contrary always do.
-You wish you could miss school more often..
-Yes, I wish. I do not like to go to school every day...I am sick and tired.
-You really feel bored of school.
-Sometimes I just hate it.
-It’s not just that you are bored of it. Sometimes you hate it.
-Right. I hate studying, homework and the teachers.
-You really hate whatever has to do with it..
-Well, not all teachers but two of them, especially one...I can’t stand her..
-You really have a problem with her, eh?
-Yes and what’s worse she will be my teacher all year.
-It seems you’ re stuck with her.
-I do not know how I will stand her...If you only knew what she does every day. She points at us and gives a huge lecture about how a good student should be and what things one has to do in order to get «A» s. It’s horrible.
-You hate all these rules ..
-It’s almost impossible to get an A- unless of course you are a genius or her loving student.
-You feel despair, even at the beginning of the year, as if it’s impossible to succeed.
-I am definitely not her favorite and I am not choosing to become one either. The other kids hate them....actually I am not very popular at school...I think no one really likes me...( crying)
-You do not want to do something that would make the other kids despise you. You feel sorry for not being popular.
-Yes....you know it’s in a certain group that I would really like to enter...These girls are the most popular. I wish I could be part of their team but I do not know how...
-It’s really important to you to hang out with them..
-Yes and i do not know what one has to do to become friends with them. It’s not that they are the prettiest or the smartest...their grades are not always top, mine are better ..I really do not know..
-You wish you knew what to do.
-They always say hi first, they are friendly and polite. They are extrovert and make friends easily. I am not good at that.
-may be that’s what they have that you don’t have.
-I can be open when I am with one person not many..
-it seems you do not know what to say when in a group and..
-that makes me feel awkward.....
And it went on like this.
So who says teenagers are hard to open up?
It’s this attention that they need , the feeling that you are available physically and emotionally to them. You must be totally engaged in listening without advising ( why don’t you invite them home?) evaluating ( you are wrong !) interpreting ( what you need is) , lecturing ( here is what should be done), praising ( You are right, they are wrong, do not bother), questioning ( why did you...), supporting ( you ‘ll be fine, do not worry we all feel like that ) , warning ( be really careful) or avoiding ( you know what, let’s forget about it.)
Unfortunately we are not trained to do so but this mystical power of listening is the key to a successful and new way of closer encounters.!!!
Try it and see what happens.
References: Sutton, J., & Stewart, W. (2002). Learning to counsel. Oxford: How To Books.
Gordon, T. (1975). P.E.T. New York: New American Library.