Three years ago around this time I had a routine, outpatient surgical procedure. I was awake and aware enough to observe as all the things went wrong. Within twelve hours I was septic and in the emergency room, only to be discharged and have my panicked doctor call from her Hawaiian vacation and have me readmitted. I spent the next three days drifting in and out of consciousness, and the next three months undergoing a series of surgical procedures resultant from the infection the first procedure caused.
Last week marked a surgical anniversary. My body remembered. My mind did not.
The body often reminds us of trauma even when we don't have a visual or auditory memory. In my case, I was under anesthesia and unable to form traditional memories of the traumas happening to my body, but my mind was primed well in advance through immense fear about the way I was falling apart.
I love or work with a number of individuals who also experience body memories: pain that happens at a certain time of year, flashbacks of nothing but feeling, nightmares and more. It is a challenge to write through these experiences because we often don't know what we're looking for. Some days I just tell the page, "I am safe. I am safe. I am safe." Some days it is, "I survived."
I am very fortunate that my husband is able to remind me when I'm having a surgical anniversary. I had extreme anxiety last week that resolved when I was able to place why my body clung to fear. All it took was my husband saying, "Hey. You know you had surgery this week 3 years ago, right? You had this same response last year." I was able to take a full breath and know I actually am safe. I did survive.
We don't always have someone to remind us, so here is something you can do if you suspect you have body memories:
Journal your pain/fear/experience.
Having a log can give you incredible insight into your mental patterns and aide you in managing disruptions. Just as women are aware of menstrual cycles, we can all be aware of moods and physical shifts.
Mark anniversaries on your calendar.
This gives you a heads up that a potential trigger is headed your way and allows you to prepare in whatever way serves you. That might be a lighter workload or just being able to wake up and know your history.
Establish a ritual.
Rituals can be lighting candles to throwing a party. Whatever you do, make sure it supports you by reminding you how amazing and strong you are. You deserve this kindness.
Create a mantra or affirmation.
I remind myself I am safe, right here, right now. It works for me because I am safe.
Get help.
Often, body memories can be resolved through acceptance. When we were not aware of the trauma as it happened, this is a challenge. If you have conscious memories that contextualize your body memories, begin by working with those with a professional therapist or guide.
If you have other tips, please share them below. I'd love to receive them as I work through my own body memories.
images from pixabay.com