I was recently diagnosed with a rare mood-disorder that can and likely has affected my everyday life. It ties into the overall journey of reaching one timeline swirling off somewhere in the stratosphere, I'll be back to that connection together on another day. So what are we going to discuss today?
This blog's topics will be:
DSM-5 Cyclothymic Disorder & TherapyTrigger Monitoring: Time Management... We mean energy managementHow my emotions change the trajectory of my realityA message of reconciliationMindfulness Revisited
On the plus side, I've found a major obstacle that I must now move past.
"If we know what the problem is, then we can find a solution."
A Cyclothymic Personality
Cyclothymia is a rare mood disorder identified as a mental-illness by the DSM 5. It is a milder form of Bi-Polar Disorder, and if left untreated, has a high rate of developing into Bi-Polar disorder. What on Earth would this have to do with me you may be asking?
I voluntarily went to see a psychologist last week... One of those doctor visits that most people generally don't go to. I rationalized that if I genuinely had a condition that I'd want to know about it, and if I did—take steps to use it to better enrich my life.
Using a mental-illness, to better enrich my life? I typed that correctly. I didn't go out of my way to book this appointment as I had already set it up during a doctor's visit for something unrelated after learning that my insurance would cover it. I thought why not?
According to my Psychologist, I have deep-seated emotional issues stemming from somewhere in 2015. When I had left Hawaii for a year. He was a kind, compassionate, and aware doctor. He saw it being a shame that I had become so brought down that I couldn't manage keeping up on my blog here, nor my accelerated classes for my Bachelor's degree.
His verdict was that although I may possess the cognitive capabilities my emotional strategies are not up to par. I've been assigned CBT (Cognitive Behavoral Therapy) in the coming weeks. I'm also returning at the end of next week to begin medication for this condition. As my anxiety can paralyze me for several days at a time, I will be taking Abilfy coming up. He feels however, that prescribing me medication would flatten my mood too hard, and that I may lose inspiration and creativity for writing. HMM... We'll just have to see what happens.
Looking For Triggers
One of the assignments provided to me until my therapy officially kicks off is to note things that cause me to either have hypomania or depressive thoughts. My brain will at times produce too much serotonin and dopamine, but other times nowhere near enough. I am looking for the balance that will help me to function everyday.
I went out to do errands on Thursday, and although I don't exercise often—I do walk everywhere. A little too large of a task out of the gate. I walked 2.5 miles to my destination then back in the humid summer weather. After a total of 5 miles and completing my errands. My internal dialogue became negative and distorted. I began muttering to myself that I wanted to die... then I caught myself.
1- When I'm tired, all of my thoughts turn negative.
I also stopped listening to songs with lyrics in them as often as I was doing. Currently, my earphones are on Rainy Mood The naivety to my condition lead me to believe that everyone heard and was affected by music to the same degree that I was. Many of the songs I listen to have powerful messages behind them, and addictive hamonies and melodies intertwined that make me feel like I might have a seizure. Given, I thought this was a normal occurance. A song alone can bring me insanely high, or send my day off a cliff.
2- Lyrical music can affect my condition, by overfilling me with energy. Listen to instrumentals instead.
I will refrain from explaining this last one, with good reason.
3- Negative news of any type can instantly ruin my day due to hyperfocus.
Cognitive Mind versus Emotional Self to Shift Reality
This is where my adventure falls into a gray area. Going to see a therapist was a long-term planned out decision. One of the few. When restructuring your reality, it's important to keep rational thought in the forefront as well. This will sound counter-intuitive to manifestation and LOA (the Law of Attraction), as thoughts need emotional energy to manifest.
Looking at shifting objectively however, my thoughts and attitudes need to remain persistent and ongoing to elicit the changes I seek in the world around me. Therefore, I cannot base my judgements and actions on fleeting emotions solely. Which I have been doing until currently.
Instead of drastic motions, I'll be looking into smaller, gradual shifts.
Long Lost Reconciliation
Something that I learned recently, that may or not may not be applicable to others is that when being hurt or wrongged, we instinctively long for an apology. As fate would have it, I've been confronted a total of three times in this past year... By those who've hurt me in the past, that I've long since forgotten about. These people wanted to correct the karma that they have with me. The most recent being Z in #20. Each time, I felt a little lighter. This is a short story about the fourth person who messaged me a couple of days ago.
It was on Facebook that I had posted a status; "Just tell me that it will get better." A good number of my remaining 100 some odd friends decided to reach out to me, to be an ear for whatever was plaguing me. Up until that point, I've managed to confront each person in my inner circle to discuss things that bothered me, and how I felt on different matters. After officially seeking help through a therapist—what did I have to lose?
One person that I did not imagine would contact me appeared in my inbox. His name is JR. A couple years my senior, we met when I was 13. Among the things he has done, he's inspired me to eventually become a freestyle dancer on DDR (Dance Dance Revolution)...BUT. He also emotionally tortured me during my early teen years. We had each other on social media only in the past few years, but we haven't exchanged a single word to each other until now.
He sent me a message (using my original gamer tag, that most people don't know) to offer me encouragement, friendship, and that overall... he wanted to remind me I was strong. My first thought of course was; "What reality am I in now?"
We followed up with some regular banter, until he sent me this... I need to become better at reacting to these things.
Am I overreacting? I have a mental illness that says I do, but try to come up with an explanation for so many people regretting how they treated me... much later in life. I've read a lot about others asking for advice on this topic online. I think that I may have some of my own to give.
If someone truly hurt you in the past, move forward and be yourself. Karma is very real. It might take years, but those who harm others in any way will live to see how it affected their own lives. To live a life of no regrets was the only life goal I've had for the longest time, I'd imagine that this is also a universal goal of vibratory value. I'm certain of this.
I recently sent K my apology, thankfully it didn't take nearly as long as the ones I got.
Mindfulness Revisited
As of now, I need to be careful of what triggers these behaviors in me. There's a lot of weirdness afoot. Realistically speaking, I'm not sure how things will turn out in the long haul, but I have to monitor my energy levels and emotions... They can and do get a little ridiculous at times.
Hopefully by practicing better coping strategies, I will make better use of my peak performance. It's becoming more of not managing my time, but my emotions better.
Thank you 
Knowing your weakness, is like having an advantage c: