A Short Guide to Happiness
None of what you are about to read, hasn't been said before. In fact, everything I write, is advice I have internalized from other sources. This doesn't mean that it's not worth repeating; in fact, I believe now, more than ever, it is worth being repeated.
The Life Trap
The daily hustle and bustle of life in western society has us chasing the next best thing. If you aren't chasing the next best thing, you are most likely on a path toward something that you believe will bring you happiness, ie your dream car, house, job, girlfriend, computer, etc. Why do you believe these will bring you happiness? They will likely bring you joy, at least for a little while, but that joy will fade away, and you will likely feel like you need something else. It's as though these possessions are a drug, and you need something bigger and better to get that same rush that you felt after acquiring your first possession.
That is because acquiring things is just an experience in your life, which is made of a long sequence of both unique and similar experiences. Having possesions just adds something for you to maintain track of in your life. If you didn't have something to keep track of, would you stop existing? No. You would manage to continue living, and your thoughts would be somewhere else. Your thoughts are the only thing that can not be taken away from you. They can be influenced, and often are, by someone else; however, they are your thoughts nonetheless. One of the biggest secrets to happiness, is maintaining control over your own thoughts, and knowing that what you think about, is what you want to think about.
Some people will argue that they are in total control of their thoughts, yet they will admit to not being happy. These people will even rationalize their unhappiness. The ability for humans to rationalize everything is infinite, but I guarentee the source of their unhappiness, they will be ready to tell you in a moments notice, is because of external influences. Their happiness is linked to someone else, or something else that they have come into contact within their life. Not a single one of these people will take responsibility for their happiness. Not only do they not believe it's completely their job to be happy, but they have hundreds of different factors that are idealized, and unless all of those factors are in perfect synchronicity, they are unhappy. The tiniest thing that doesn't fall into alignment with their fantasy, throws off their happiness.... but it isn't their fault, or so they say.
What I am about to tell you is not a secret any longer. In fact, it never really was a secret, but something that has occured, at some point, to everyone in their lives. If it didn't occur to you, I am willing to bet that you've at least heard it from someone on T.V or in the movies, or perhaps even somewhere on the internet. The key to your happiness, should you truly want it, is your own thoughts. Actually, that is not simply the key to happiness, but the key to life. Your thoughts are the only thing holding you back from doing anything in life. If you feel like you can't do something, then that is because you have convinced yourself, with your own thoughts, that you can't do something.
Your thoughts are so powerful, that they affect absolutely every single experience you have ever had in your entire life, and will continue to do so forevermore. Your thoughts are the very essence of your being. Without your thoughts, can you even be sure that you are alive? "I think, therefore I am." -René Descartes
This is the secret of life. You can use this secret to acquire anything you want in your life, and in this book, you will use this secret to acquire happiness, or more accurately "be" happy, as that is all that you need to do.
Happiness is not a goal
What exactly would you call a "goal"? A goal, is something that you want. It is something that you do not have. Happiness is something that everyone has. It is what you are. It is the default state of existence. If everything was perfectly going your way, at all times, everyday, do you think that you would be happy? Some would argue that they would be, and that may be true enough for some people, under the conditions. But the fact of life is, that sometimes things don't go as planned. We trip, stumble, get hurt, make mistakes. We are human. We are social creatures, and unless every single person has the exact same goal in their head, as you do in your head, there's an incredibly high probability, that somewhere along the way someone else is going to do something that you don't like, or you don't want them to do. How will you respond? Many people get upset, because in that moment, their plans were interupted. Once they are upset, everything that follows that situation, also is seen through the lense of being upset. Why? Why bother continuing to be upset over a situtation, or person, that you have no control over? Why bother even trying to control a situation in the first place? Most people want to control a situation, because of this ultimate fantasy they have conjured in their mind, where everything plays out perfectly, but experience suggests that this rarely plays out. So why do we continue to do it?
I highly believe that this is a condition of our society. Society has made acheiving goals, that you create in your head, the recipe for happiness. If you achieve your goal, you will be happy! This may be true for the moment, but as the old addage goes "This too, shall pass". You will get used to the fact that you acheieved something, and you will eventually get tired of the fact that you have achieved it. It will be in your past, and either you are being stagnant, or you have another goal that you believe will make you happy. This is only a very primitive cycle, where we don't even consider the fact that things will not always go the way you planned. Somewhere along the journey toward your goal, something, somewhere, will blindside you. It could be something as simple as you missing a meeting, or something as tragic as a car accident, or the death of a friend or family member.
In those moments of reality, how do you maintain your composure? How do you continue along with your goals? Do you just stop dead in your tracks, and throw a pity party for yourself? Or do you just cast it aside, and pretend like it didn't happen? Since we are human, we have these emotions, which are excellent at guiding us towards the things that are good for us, and keeping us out of trouble. They are also excellent at getting us into trouble. These emotions can overwhelm our thoughts, and be the catalyst for actions that we later regret. These actions could be as simple as mourning, or they can be as damaging as starting a fight with someone in your life, or someone whom you've never met. The results of these actions will vary, but they will not lead you to your goals, and since you have attached your happiness to the achievement of these goals, you will not be happy.
Happiness, then, is not the result of goals achieved, but simply a feeling. It's a feeling that you can always nurture, every moment of your life. You can nurture it by achieving a goal you have set, but it is not a goal in and of itself. It is not only a feeling, but a thought. As I mentioned earlier, your thoughts are the essence of your being. So if your thoughts are happy, then the essence of your being is happy.
What other people think about you, is none of your business
This is a very difficult point to embrace. We are socially conditioned to care about what other people think about us, so that we may have as little conflict as possible. This is fine up to a point. How else would you know not to do something, if it bothers someone? Well, they will tell you. Then it's your job to stop doing what bothers them, and in return they will treat you better. The problem with this is, this type of "caring what others think" attitude is blown out of proportion. We become so concerned about what other people think about us, that we don't even care about we think of ourselves. We put on a facade to minimize the conflict that may potentially arise from someone not liking what we do, say, believe, etc. This way of thinking limits yourself. You are so constantly focused on what others are thinking about you, that you can't focus your thoughts on being happy.
This is just a product of what we are taught is socially acceptable, despite the fact that we feel it to be wrong. Nobody likes being gossiped about, so we change our behavior so that the gossiping stops, but it never does. Those that gossip, will always find something to gossip about, and there is nothing that you can do to stop it. As long as you care what others think about you, you will always be their slave. You will bend over backwards, and do things that you don't agree with, simply because you want everyone to like you. This is a recipe for unhappiness, because someone is controlling your thoughts, and unless the thoughts they are controlling are telling you to be happy, then your actions will be energy spent for someone else, and they probably don't care if you are happy or not. "Care about what others think about you, and forever be their slave" -Unknown
It it up to you to consider the validity of these peoples statements, and decide whether they have any merit. Some people are busy projecting their negative perception of life onto other people, that those that get projected onto, make the mistake of taking them seriously. Sometimes, it's very difficult to determine whether their greivance with you is legitimate or not, because in the moment they bring it up, you usually are guilty of doing something where it's true. However, in the times that someone is just complaining about everything, and you are one of the topics that are brought up, you can almost be certain that they are just complaining to avoid taking responsibility for their thoughts. Some people are so concerned with the affairs of other people, that it's hard to imagine that they are happy with their own lives. Chances are, that they aren't happy with their lives, but don't want to take a look in the mirror. Changing yourself is one of the hardest things to do, but also one of the easiest. It's hard because it requires you take take a step back from your own perception as ask "Is this really the problem? Or am I the problem?".
"What other people say about you, says more about them, than it does about you."
If you are reading this, then you are already on the path towards true happiness. Chances are you've been that person who projects negative thoughts onto others. Maybe you've even recognized that you are the lowest common denominator in all of your problems, and have finally decided to change it, but don't know where to start. Well, starting begins with realizing that taking the blame away from yourself, and putting it onto others is really one of the actions that causes your unhappiness. If you really want to see change in your life, then you need to change your behaviors and your own thoughts. Sometimes it's actually easier to change your own behaviors before your thoughts. Since we are products of our environment, if you force yourself into a new environment and way of life, you will notice how quickly your thoughts shift to support those actions.
This is an interesting ability of human beings, because it allows someone to change their perspective, simply by doing different actions. As long as you are taking control of your actions, you will find that you will take control of your thoughts. This is contrary to the previous ways changing your mindset was said could be accomplished....
To be continued...
by Stephen Polsky
