They say there is a reason you are paid for work--because if you wanted to do it you'd do it for free. First of all, that a bit of bollocks. You get paid because your work brings value to someone. Still, we all want to come to a place where our work is also our art. Where our job is a career or even a vocation. I want those things too. I'm a bit of an idealist, but I try to temper that with a dose of realism. You should ALWAYS enjoy time with my family and friends more than I enjoy work. You should have hobbies that are never intended to be "side-gigs." Whether as an employee, business owner, or free lancer, work will be work. I hope it is good work, but recognize that may take time. It's important to have the discipline to work through hard times with your sights set on greater things. Nevertheless, I draw the line at life threatening. You should too.
Thank God for office doors. I don't understand what my body is doing to me and I don't want others to see this episdoe. Every time I try to write another sentence about the relationship between Michigan No-fault law and the Wrongful Death Act, this feeling swells up inside of me. I turn away, shaking. Panic set in. As if being hunted by some mighty predator, my lungs are gasping for safety. The voices start.
You don't belong here. You're not smart enough for this. You cannot compete on this level. You are not enough.
I feel sick to my stomach and my muscles are feeling worn from holding this tension. I start to look around the room for an escape. "I could cut myself with the glass from that picture frame. Maybe I can find a way to hang myself with my tie. Or I could tip the bookshelf on to me." I cry, breath, pace, and sit again. This cycle continues for about 2 hours.
I have lived with suicidal ideation for more than half of my live now, but this was different. This was anxiety and panic, not depression and sadness. Other than a similar episode last month, I am unfamiliar and with how to handle this. I should make clear that my job is not objectively threatening. I work in a fine, respectful environment with really decent people. I'm paid well for my time and respected as an adult. The job is fine. The problem is the pairing. It does not blend with who I am.
You may also feel like your job is not "life giving." Frankly, and this is hard to accept, sometimes that is okay. Sometimes work is just work. But, you may also find that not only is it not life giving, but it is soul crushing. Some obvious signs can be seen by looking at certain office-job environments in places like Japan. There is a workaholism culture manifesting that is literally killing people. Or, as in my case, perhaps your body itself is signaling to you that this place is dangerous to your health. Very carefully consider those signs for yourself. How does the time and energy you spend on your job reconcile with the rest of your life and your identity. Does it cause internal fragmentation?
To be honest, I'm writing from the middle of this all. I don't have the keys to moving gracefully through these issues. I don't know what the next 6 months or 2 years looks like for me. It may require me taking steps to pursue biochemical re-balancing. Or I might quit. What I do know is that I cannot carry on with the status quo. And if you feel emotionally, physically, or spiritually at risk in your job, then you should not stand idly by either.
Until next time, be blessed.
Sam
Image Source: Hallway
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