I am in a group that I love very much. Twice a month, twelve people gather together early Saturday morning. We meet in the back room of a 118 year old church on Detroit's east side. We are all there because we want to heal from the emotional wounds and core lies that we carry. One of my favorite individuals in this group is a recently married 77 year old black woman who has no kids. As a 27 year old white man with five kids myself, there is so much about our life experiences that are different. After two meetings, I began to realize that I had more in common with her than anyone else in the group. Not the stuff that other people see from a distance. But the stuff that matters. The emotions. The sadness, loneliness, and weak self-esteem. The desires and life goals. There is more that draws us together than what seeks to divide us.
Our brains are really good at categorization, tribalism, and separation. My culture reinforces these tools. There are plenty of voices that tell me why my friend and I should be in completely different circles. I am so glad that we are not.
Identify, Don't Compare
It is important to be able to differentiate. When you walk into a room of people, you should be able to recognize where your physical existence ends and where another human being begins. You should be able to identify what characteristics those people have and how those a different from others. But you need not compare. Do so leads your brain to highlight all of the differences. This often causes you to stack your resume up against everyone in the room and make a value judgment.
Instead, what if you walked into a room and assumed that you have a lot in common with the other people there. Rather then entering a conversation with the subconscious desire to find out how you are better than the other person, why don't you make a conscious effort to find what unites the two of you?
Maybe this clicks with some of you, but maybe some of you are asking "but why?" Honestly, I don't have some grandiose answer for you. It is just a lot more fun to live this way. It is an act of compassion to assume that the other person has a place in your tribe. You will be much more likely to find life-giving community and strong relationships if you try to identify your similarities first.
Go ahead, give it a try. You really have nothing to lose and a lot to gain.
Until next time, be blessed.
Sam
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