'Don´t be so selfish!' Have you ever heard somebody telling you that? Maybe they were wrong and you were right.
But where lies that small line between healthy egoism and unhealthy selfishness?
Today I´d like to break with the popular belief that egoism is just a negative attitude. I´d even like to go one step further: a healthy 'ego' can be key to a balanced life - in a personal and profesional sense.
The 'ego'
The concept of ego-strength has a quite long history in the field of psychology. It could even be traced back to the development of Sigmund Freud’s 3-tiered view of personalities in terms of id, ego, and the super-ego.
'Ego’ is a Greek word for ‘I,’ which means: the core sense of self. It´s a distinct and unique expression of personhood. 'Ego-strength' refers to a cultivated flexibility or strength of our core sense of self. It´s the step we make learning to face and grow from challenging happenings or persons in our lives in such ways that strengthen our relationships with our self and others and thus enrich our lives with meaning.
The level of ego-strength refers to your ability to be flexible, adaptive and resilient in how you respond to challenges.
Ego-strength is a measure of:
- The personal power and the ability to make ideal choices at any given moment in time.
- The capacity to regulate difficult feelings and emotions in order to remain still in perfect emotional states
- The ability to accept what is, both in past or present, and also tolerate stress, discomfort, frustration without getting personally attacked and triggered.
How to define a healthy and unhealthy ego?
Generally spoken we could talk about an unhealthy ego when a person would be defined by characteristics like: selfishness, arrogance, self-centered, vain, conceited and self-interested,
Unlike healthy ego traits would rather consist of a person valuing their self-worth, having self-confidence and self-respect as well as self-esteem.
Ego shaping - The first years of life are key, but not the very end
In our first years of life, the interactions we have with primary caregivers shape our ego and also our ego-strength in ways that can have a lifelong impact.
Imagine that a child is born without ANY sense of self, and thus without an ego per se. At that point of time it serves our development and survival.
The good news is: the human brain is built to learn and integrate changes. Even a kid´s small ego-strength has a chance to grow during the years.
Our brain is able to integrate new healing ways of responding and relating to stress and stressors throughout our whole life.
As always it’s up to us, however, whether we are open to apply our self with sufficient vigor to integrate change.
Why ego-strength is essential to health and happiness
Many of the major psychological theorists mentioned that there is an intrinsic human striving for personal power and individual autonomy.
This 'healthy goal' to strive for personal power is a universal motivator of human behavior.
A 'healthy ego' gives us the needed ego-strength to navigate through challenges, and emotions of vulnerability rooted in anxiety and fear.
It is an absolutely essential skill in the formation of healthy emotional intimacy in relationships (love affairs).
Having a grounded sense of personal power, you are more likely to be hopeful, stay determined, believe in your goals and be empathically engaged to your compassion for yourself and others.
A nicely developed ego-strength can allow you to relate to self and others in ways that promote even mutual cooperation and positive regard.
In a nutshell, a well-developed and healthy ego is key to your individual and relational happiness.
Why ego-strength is key to professional success
People with a well-developed ego are...
- ...able to use painful or unsuccessful events to strengthen themselves mentally, still focussing on humility, creativity, compassion and FAITH.
- ...able to turn everything (even failure) into a positive activity (excercise, learning, etc.), knowing well that all emotions and feelings are transient and eventually fade.
- ...always taking responsibility for their actions, holding themselves accountable and never blaming others for the negativity they could feel.
- ...still pushing forward even if they suffer a loss, focussing on what they are able to give to others and accomplish, not even allowing things like self-pity or resentment to fight against them.
- ...absolutey self-disciplined, courageously resisting any kind of temptations and fighting addictive drive, even if doing so means standing up and being against the crowd.
- ...independent. Thanks to their untouchable sense of self-worth, they know well that their essence is good and kind of 'holy' even if other people might be scornful or dismissive.
- ...able to accept themselves. Always. They accept themselves with all their limitations, knowing that perfection is unreal, and yet strive constantly to do their absolute maximum.
- ...able to set firm limits, saying 'NO' even if it could lead to disappoint others or even risking ridicule and rejection. They always avoid people who could drain them physically or emotionally.
Find the right balance
Being a self caring person doesn´t mean to be selfish and distant. A successful person knows well when to focus on the personal achievements and when being open to others´ dreams. Being human always means being a team player. But:
Being a nice team player doesn´t mean to forget about the personal growth. It´s all about balance.
If you still don´t have an idea for a New Year´s resolution, to strengthen your ego could be always a good choice :-) In a world where everybody tends to be like all the others, egos are becoming a scarce ressource. A well-developed ego is not only beneficial for your personal growth, but also for the community´s health.
Cheers,
Marly -
Picture source title:pixabay.com
Picture source ego-strength: https://secure.static.tumblr.com/
Picture source quote 'when you say yes': http://www.relatably.com/
Picture source kids: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/
