The way we teach children to deal with emotions is historically gender biased. While the lack of education for emotional hygiene and emotional first aid are global issues apparent all around us, I would like to focus on the gender gap in what I like to call "emotional education".
This article was inspired by a TED talk by Dr. Guy Winch titled "Why we all need to practice emotional first aid". I will try to cover the major points related to the topic at hand, but I strongly recommend you watch the TED - it's totally worth 17 minutes of your day.
Before I even start, I would like to note that there are a lot of generalizations in this article. I hate all generalizations (pun intended), but they're sometimes necessary to represent a prevalent situation or tendancy that one can define, perhaps, as the average or the so-called "norm". So when I say "girls" or "boys", assume I am discussing the cultural norms for the gender traits boys and girls should have.
Another disclaimer worth including is that while this article is tagged with "education" and "parenting" - I have no experience in neither. I do, however, plan to be a parent and so thinking (and writing) about these topics is something I see as preliminary research.
Why We Neglect Our Minds
In his TED talk, Dr. Winch expresses his disappointment with the favoritism we show our body over the mind. We learn from a very young age how to treat physical injuries and how to maintain physical hygiene to stay healthy. But we do not learn how to treat emotional injuries like failure or rejection, on even how to be aware of them. He does not, however, address the question why.
Unlike most physical trauma, emotional trauma is harder to diagnose and treat. You can see a broken limb, but it's much harder to see a broken heart. So even though repeated emotional trauma can be lethal, we prefer to ignore it because it's harder to spot.
Beyond the challenge of detection and treatment, emotional trauma has its stigma. People who admit to being hurt or lonely are seen as weak, so many prefer to try and bury their emotions, letting the trauma fester. I argue that this social favoritism of physical health over emotional hurts boys and men differently than it does girls and women, and it is one of the causes for higher rates of violence in men.
We sustain psychological injuries even more often than we do physical ones, injuries like failure or rejection or loneliness. And they can also get worse if we ignore them, and they can impact our lives in dramatic ways. And yet, even though there are scientifically proven techniques we could use to treat these kinds of psychological injuries, we don't. It doesn't even occur to us that we should. "Oh, you're feeling depressed? Just shake it off; it's all in your head." Can you imagine saying that to somebody with a broken leg: "Oh, just walk it off; it's all in your leg." - Dr. Guy Winch
Dirty Minds of Dirty Boys
On average (here come those generalizations), girls are brought up to have better physical hygiene than boys. This is especially prevalent as toddlers become children, and it stops being culturally acceptable for girls to climb trees or play in the mud. I think that in many ways, this is also true for emotional hygiene, and how the environment teaches it to children of different genders.
Experiments (citation needed) have shown that adults tend to categorize the emotions and desires of toddlers according to their (perceived) gender. So a crying toddler will be "angry" to those who think he is a boy, and "sad" to those who think she is a girl. This biased perception continues with us as we age, and the world treats us differently according to our genitalia - boys are supposed to be emotionally resilient and show little to no emotion, while girls are expected to be emotional but also submissive.
When it comes to the acknowledgement and recognition of emotions, boys have pulled the short stick. Given very few tools to understand and treat their emotional traumas, they are left to carry the burden and repress their feelings, adding scar atop emotional scar.
But it's not like girls are encouraged to accept and understand their emotions, or given tools to deal with trauma like rejection, failure or loneliness. They're told it's okay to be emotional, and even use it as an advantage and tool to control the opposite sex. Since boys are equipped with even fewer tools and strategies to recognize and deal with emotions, they often fear the emotions of girls. And as we grow up, this perception of emotional gender roles creates a distance between men and women that is damaging to us as a society.
Does Loneliness Kill Men More?
One of the most damaging prolong traumas can be loneliness. It can kill you, or at least increases your chances of dying young. Females have a biological tendency to be more social (citation needed) as so naturally suffer less from loneliness. Males seek to belong to a pack, but are also encouraged to be competitive and self-reliant.
While our culture idealizes the image of the self-sufficient "Lone Wolf", no one bothers telling boys that it's okay to feel emotionally disconnected, and it's okay to need and desire support and empathy. Expecting boys to manage loneliness is absurd, especially if you consider that most adults of either gender aren't particularly good at it.
Dealing with Failure & Rejection
We humans like to seek out fault. We want to understand why something didn't work out as planned, and we want someone to blame. I don't recall having read studies on the subject, but from my observation I see a certain emotional directionality when it comes to dealing with emotional trauma.
When faced with failure and rejection, men will more often turn their emotions outwards, seeking out blame and responsibility to place elsewhere. The more "feminine" approach turns the emotions inward, judging one's own abilities and doubting oneself. This directionality may cause girls to become more self-critical and be more avoidant of situations where they can fail. Boys, on the other hand, take less of a blow to their self-esteem (on average) and so they continue to try and succeed.
How does society encourage boys to try more, while girls are driven to be more self-doubt? I am not sure, but that's what the comment section is for. Tell me what you think!
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Illustrations via Unsplash
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