Almost a month ago, I ended my open relationship out of the fact that it had turned out to be what my ex and I actually wanted to avoid in the first place--a labeled relationship (yes open relationship is still as labeled-with-strict-terms as a monogamous one). Sure, with it being open, it does sound liberating and healthy, but what it actually did was enforce just another sense of obligation into what we had when what got us together in the first place was the understanding that we both hate that concept.
That label of exclusivity which we both feared was just replaced by another label. We wanted to maintain our freedom, yet open relationship requires more than just both's openness to let each other exercise it, for it also demands openness in communication which we as emotionally unavailable people failed to work on. Then recently, as I had my first post-break-up phone call with my ex, I realized that apart from the label issues, there's also this issue in being alone that bothers everyone even the most non-committing of people to the point that my ex and I committed irony as mentioned above.
Now, the question that was left in my mind for a short time after that hour-long phone conversation was,
What is a loan?
In this context, a loan is just this term I coined for people we have affairs with. People we are not really related to yet become part of our lives are just these treasures in life we seldom say no to being with despite the uncertainty of how long they'll be in our lives or what really their intentions are which is reasonably answered by the fact that we simply enjoy the thrill of meeting someone new, interesting, fun, etc. That nature of these treasures resemble things loaned to people--they are wanted/needed yet they come with a price to be paid at a set deadline. The only difference between a loan and a loan is that the former doesn't come with a certain time for payment.
One day, you'll just wake up paying for the choices you have made when you took that loan. This is not a sentimental and melodramatic kind of thing but rather an honest way to describe how relationships may it be friendship or with a significant other works--we meet new people and get loaned their time, energy, etc. that are necessary to making being together worthwhile, but after some time you are required to pay through certain stuff that ask too much of what you have, but you have to in order to keep what you have built. This is when the important question comes up, "Is it really worth it?"
Unlike actual loans, one could always refuse to pay their debt to a loan. There is no law to terminate that freedom, for there are only ultimatums a rational person would never consider. Still, despite usually ugly affair endings, people continue to repeat the whole thing again with someone new. That is because of how we perceive being....
Alone
"Do you ever feel alone even though you know you love being all by yourself and you know it's easy for you to have some company?"
That is the question I first asked my ex when we talked. It wasn't in any way related to "us". It was rather this thought that had been occupying my mind which I decided to talk about with him because I knew he knows exactly what it's like. "Yes, sometimes I see couples and I feel like I want to be with someone, but when I'm with someone I get tired of the company and just decide to be alone again. Then it becomes this cycle all over again," he answers with excitement like I had just pushed an activation button for something which was apparently for his long-unspoken thoughts.
As non-conventional people, my ex and I discussed the whole matter philosophically. I realized that it is really human need to have someone to interact with especially in an intimate manner, thus a lot of people go as far as to getting married and committed exclusively to each other while still, many people engage in short-term affairs. Now, the problem with the former is that thrill wears off at some point while for the latter, thrill is constantly sought and not always found.
Like a collector looking for a specific piece, the latter group has a set standard for satisfaction which if not met, would never make the encounter something at all. Now, for the other group, they have unrealistic standards--expecting so many things from one person just like how one would foolishly expect a country's leader to fix everything that is wrong with the country and its people himself all at once. Either way, we are always alone, yet the people who choose to stick to their loans for as long as they live seem to deprive themselves of the freedom to experience the only constant thing in the world which is change just because they don't want to be alone (in their terms, unhappy because they're available to meet new people again ).
On the other hand, the collectors embrace change and being alone healthily and happily by exercising their freedom to just end things before it gets ugly and go from a loan to another without being bothered of an unnecessary debt payment. They may never always find what they're looking for, but they are never asked to make sacrifices that no matter how they conventionally pass as "worth it", still does ask the person making that decision, "is it worth it?" which always means it isn't or at least it will not always be.
Why is it all like this?
Uncertainty
People who go for long-term loans do so because they believe that it provides them security when the way they really look at it is as a way to make things feel certain because nothing really is. Security is being aware of all the odds and doing something to actually protect yourself from potential harm which commitments aren't all about. When two people in an affair decide to close the relationship away from opportunities of meeting other people, what actually happens is that the couple decides to seal their deep connection instead of allowing it to grow naturally. Therefore, that's when labeling becomes an irrational irony.
People commit to a certain religion in hopes of being saved by the higher being in that certain belief, so they do things according to its teachings and live by it. Now, when some of these people realize that they could be wrong with their belief and decide to be non-believers, they usually label themselves atheist. That doesn't make them alone without a loan, for it only makes them submit to yet another label that has its own qualifications as well. This label cycle only stresses the fact that people naturally have uncertain stands on uncertainties in this world yet they refuse to remain that healthily skeptic and just do pointless things to achieve an unattainable sense of certainty.
and that's how I answered the question in my mind
