No matter what I do I can't seem too escape my truth. I try to be sane and play the roles placed in front of me by myself and who knows what twisted fate hell hole. I suffer, emphasis on suffer, with complex PTSD and I can't seem to shut up about it or stop thinking about it enough to really make real connections. I just feel like... Welp, fucked. I have trouble sticking to schedules, I hate everyone, and in turn, my self. This is just a moment I am having and yes, I've chosen to cement it into the blockchain because fuck it.
I spent mother's day in the hospital. After not being able to sleep, I started hallucinating. I heard voices, thought I was in danger numerous times throughout the night. Which caused me to "sleep walk" out of my home and knocked on my neighbor's door in order to seek "safety". I have gone off the deep end. Luckily I survived this ordeal but still, my brain seems to be functioning differently in a way I can't really describe.
I don't know what to do at this point besides make sure I get enough sleep. Arguments happen. The person I live with doesn't care about my illnesses which is true to a certain extent. Maybe he's just fed up and now I'm just a burden to him as well. Whatever the case may be. There's nothing I can do but continue to take care of my kids the best I can which is working out. I'm a pretty good mom in my opinion. I don't take them out as much as I'd like but they live right next to the park so it's not like they never go out. I deal with fatigue and well, all the bullshit PTSD has to offer so... Options are limited. I am not my illnesses but it does take a lot out of me. For now I'm taking melatonin to help relax. It's been a great help. Will my suffering go away? Not likely since suffering is part of the human condition. Oh well. At this point, that's my motto. "Oh well."
Alrighty time to end this on the good foot so no one starts worrying about me. I am fine, I just need to chill tf out. My brain does it's own thing so melatonin just tells my brain, "Hey, brein, STFU." And I'm at a point in my life where I'd like to be transparent about my suffering. My usual mode is keeping it to myself because idk what normal is. I guess normal is when I look at my kids and interact with them and genuinely laugh and smile at what they say and do. Everything else, might as well be virtual reality. Am I being an asshole? I'll allow it. I don't want to give off the impression that I am perfect or know shit but I've been through society's hula hoops. I been through shit. One thing I can tell you straight up, a lot of what looks like normal life, is humans behind masks, screaming.
Why do I say this?! Because I grew up in the thick of it. My whole family has some fucked up story they can tell. At 13 my grandma was forced from her home into a marriage. Why bring this up? Idk, but it's something I think about. Am I really crazy?! Or is shit just fucked up all around.
On a positive note: It's bed time, I have enough and I am enough. I work with what I got and I do my best to stay afloat. Tomorrow is another day closer and my kids are going to be another day older. I'm caught up on laundry kinda, and dishes... Fuck dishes but I'll get them done. I don't have a dish washer, just my trusty hands.
What's coming up for my blog:
I plan on participating in a "bad karaoke" contest, for funsies.
Plan on reviews for mspwaves radio shows. Because they're awesome and you need to know this.
Putting the spotlight on community member from my server, the nug lair. Kinda like the bat cave, but anyone can jump in. Anyways, there's a curation initiative happening and I am volunteering because that's a great way to give back to this community I've been a part of since October of last year.
This community is made up of people. Individuals coming together for the good of mankind. That's the way I see it and feel it in my heart. Even if I'm stand offish, cold, and hey c'mon I'm spacestace, I'm just being my usual self. I don't maintain friendships very well as my kids suck the life out of me(I'm being dramatic). Oh well! You know where to reach me and if you don't, ask me! Lol, it's that simple. Kinda. No promises. Love, peace, and chicken grease my amazing steemian people. Thanks for suffering through this post. The melatonin is kicking in so I'm out, sourkrout. Without a doubt. Goodnight. See ya tomorrow 🤗
Image sourced from my Instagram feed. The illustrator is : Rik Lee. Love his work. Check it out. My Discord avatar is also a Rik Lee illustration. ✌✨
I made this post last night and don't feel like deleting it. So here ya go, a window into my crazy. Part of human resilience is acknowledgement of imperfections and still feeling and being whole. I'm getting there. I fall so hard sometimes, though. Namaste 🌸
Sidenote #2: So far today I managed to nudge my bathroom display and it fell right onto a pipe and bursted it. Oh well ðŸ˜