Well it's been quite a while since I last posted. I've been struggling a lot recently with feeling overwhelmed with things. I am currently hunting for a new job and the search has been pretty draining. Many revisions of resume's, many applications complete, six phone/webcam interview, and I am still waiting on a firm offer. Meanwhile I am transitioning in my current company to a different role that I had applied for last November but am now only finally getting around to moving to. Management delayed the transition for several months to let a few other things unfold first with other shifts.
On top of that, I tried pursing a business idea I had. I was able to work with a few family members on it for a few months, but all four of us have so much going on that we decided to put it on hold for the time being. I didn't feel like I could give it the attention it deserved, and I just didn't have the stamina or the energy to dive into learning a new programming language (I was going to code the website, which was the business - sort of a fintech thing).
Oh, the main reason I am looking for a new job is because my wife and I decided that the time is right to move closer to family and/or to a region of the country that we want to raise our family. So I have been researching various areas, rental markets, home prices, schools, and then the logistics of getting there with movers and storage and whatnot. On top of that, I am worried about how breaking my lease is going to work.
Getting back to the day to day, I am feeling very worthless at my current job. Transitioning all my work to other people made me realize just how little I was actually doing. Impostor Syndrome was always something I've struggled with, but lately it has been flaring up like crazy. Now I am looking at a new internal role and just lacking any and all motivation to jump into it since I know (with any luck) I'll be gone in a few months. Going to work each day has been tough.
I've always struggled with my career choice and my "purpose" in life. I wrote in an earlier piece on here about self-actualization, and finding meaning in what I do remains on my bucket list. One silver lining in all this is my family life. While professionally and personally I feel I am failing or at least not realizing my potential, I do feel like I am rocking it as a dad and also doing a good job at being a husband and son. At the end of the day, this is enough for me in life. If I can be the best dad I can be to my kids, I will be able to look back on my life with satisfaction and know I accomplished something. I am also working on being a better husband, but I'll admit, the dad thing comes more naturally to me.
Still, I have to be at work for 40 hours each week. Seems a shame to waste it doing something I find no meaning in. So I am looking for a change. Hopefully wherever I end up, I will find a greater meaning in what I do.
I have reflected quite frequently on all the possible futures I could have had. At this point in my life, some of them are no longer possible. Others are wholly incompatible with the lifestyle I want to live. A few are still potential futures I could steer myself towards. But I know in my heart that none of them will ever materialize. I will continue to work in more or less the same industry I do today. And that's OK - the job will always simply be a means to an end - security and comfort for my family and my future. But the futures I've imagined for myself are so varied and interesting to me, that sometimes I feel a pang of loss when I think that I will never be one thing or another.
In one future, I stayed in the military. I rose through the ranks and commanded a battalion, then a brigade. Then became a general and reached as high as I could. Perhaps I was the Secretary of Defense. Perhaps I just served as staff in a command group. But I had a distinguished military career.
In another future, I pursued emergency medicine. I became a paramedic and worked for years savings lives. Then I got some more education and landed a job as a flight medic on a helicopter.
Forking off that future, I attended medical school and became a surgeon or a radiologist.
Perhaps instead I went to dental school and became a dentist, opening my own practice and seeing the same patients in the small town my family lived in for years before selling my practice and heading into retirement.
Maybe I chose the life of a nomad - a long haul trucker, seeing the entire country and driving millions of miles.
Or maybe an aquatic nomad, serving on cargo ships. Or perhaps I land a job on a cruise ship, as an entertainer or an officer or guest relations person. Adventuring all over the world, away for months at a time, just a PO box for my mail back home.
Maybe I throw off society and become a mountain man, living the life of a recluse off the grid. Honing my woodsman skills, being fully self-sufficient, having a homestead and living off the land.
Maybe I become the next great novelist, penning works of fiction that fly off the shelves and earn me worldwide name recognition.
Perhaps I pursue a life of music, playing in an orchestra and touring the globe. Or maybe a composer, writing movie scores or electronic tracks or even rap.
Or maybe my life is in film, as an actor. Starring in feature films or TV shows and building a reputation as a versatile and talented performer. Or maybe my place is behind the camera, as a director or a screenwriter. Or perhaps I become a great documentary film-maker, producing insightful, moving, and thought-provoking works that inspire others. Or maybe I am a YouTube creator, making interesting financial or science or political videos for my fans and the public alike.
Maybe I pursue a life of public service as a social worker, making people's lives better and helping people at their lowest points. Maybe I serve in law enforcement as a cop who knows his beat and is dedicated to working with the community and not against it. Maybe I am a detective, outsmarting criminals and catching bad guys. Maybe I am an FBI agent, taking down organized crime undercover. Maybe I am a spy for the CIA, living life that comes close to what you see in the movies.
Maybe I am a politician, climbing from mayor to governor, perhaps even a Congressman.
Perhaps I become a journalist, covering the most important events for the most prestigious publications. Maybe I join the ranks of people like Nate Silver or David French and write opinion and analysis that is widely respected, if not always agreed with.
Maybe I become a teacher, mentoring and coaching children and taking a small role in forming them into the adults they grow up to be.
Maybe I become an astronaut and explore the solar system.
Maybe I am just a stay-at-home dad, and support my wife while she goes off to pursue her own passions.
All of these possibilities are things I have daydreamed about in some form or fashion at one point or another over the past few years. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. It's kind of a shame I can't try them all. Maybe that's why I love video games, movies, and novels so much -- they let you be someone else for a bit.
There was one man whose life was truly remarkable that I admire more and more the better I get to know his story. Leonardo Da Vinci. There have been a few articles about him recently, as it's been 500 years since his death. I am in awe at the sheer amount of topics he explored over his life. I think if there were a life I could live that would make me feel like I had truly made a difference in the world at large while also enjoying my passions, it would be a life like his. Jack of all trades, master of quite a few.
Anyway, to wrap this up I wanted to share something of his that I just discovered. Da Vinci was a prolific doodler, for lack of a better term. He drew pictures and plans of many, many things, both real and imagined. One such sketch was for a new instrument. It was similar to a piano, in that it had keys, but the mechanism for sound was akin to a stringed instrument, with a circular bow rubbing against a string.
Centuries later, a man decided to turn this sketch into reality. He built the instrument. And you can hear it here. I listened to this while writing this post. It is beautiful to me. His life is inspiring to me. May you find beauty and inspiration too.
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