This year marks 24 years since I was left for dead on a 40 acre property after being raped by my then boyfriend and his three friends. It was Thanksgiving night and 101 Dalmatians was being re-released in theaters.
This year I said not a single word about it, and received no questions about how I was doing. Yearly, my depression begins to ramp around Halloween and does not end until just before Christmas. I’ve worked especially hard to be preoccupied, yet no one that knows my history well bothered to ask “how are you doing this year— things seem different, are you okay?” I’m not okay, and it’s okay to not be okay.
Yesterday-
I cooked a large multi course style Thanksgiving meal for 6. Not turkey and sides, but several courses. Standing. On a partially re-fractured broken foot, I think, from dropping a large can of Yams on it (I broke it in several places last year from the arch forward), for 13 hours.
Then when everyone exited the table I hand washed the gold rimmed 5 generation old wedding china that belonged to a great grandmother 5 times removed of mine whose mother arrived to the US via the Mayflower.
I also packed away the leftovers, but hey at least he finished carving the other half of the turkey off the bone.
Except for my mother in law, who profusely thanks me for literally everything and is probably one of the kindest human beings I’ve met; not one single thank you was uttered. After the fact, they all claim they did; I didn’t hear any thank yous from the guys in my house.
Amidst the shimmering gold rimmed china and sparkling cut crystal champagne flutes and water goblets, discussion of “balls” (testicles), farts, penises and how “they (the 8th graders) raped them at the soccer game”.
I lost my shit. Unequivocally and utterly- lost my-shit. With the most profane laced yet coherently strung together sentence, I yelled at all of the males at the table.
I yelled because my heart was being dismissed. My husband was being careless with my feelings just because, as I’m sure he would say “you seemed like you were doing find this year. I thought you were over it.” Naturally my children do not know of what happened to me. But my husband does. My mother in law does and she was almost in tears when my children were speaking this way at the table. It’s probably why I exploded. Also, you don’t get over bring brutalized like that.
Topic change required because apparently I contribute nothing. I explained a little about my hive blog and 3speak videos and my investing kn XRP. I reminded “someone who shall remain nameless” that the deal was that as long as I was making as much as he was per week in COUPONS, he was happy. In coupons, not coupons stacked with bogos and other shit. He agreed back then. 🤷🏻♀️
I tried to explain more about what the end result of blockchain is to my mother in law and sons, we listened to the Hive advert that SMG made. I explained what I was doing for Austin and why.
I told my sons to study the Constitution and their rights under it. To understand common law and the difference between that and admiralty law.
I explained XRP and was told if “it isn’t in the bank it doesn’t matter.”
I feel.... so broken today, and sooo tired.
I just needed to say that so I can get on with my day and focus on the bigger picture.
