that I was trafficked from the age of 4 until I was 7 by my Uncle (by marriage)? or
that when I was 17, I was dosed with Rohypnol and raped by my then boyfriend and his three friends, left for dead in 45 degree temperatures on a large swath of land? or
that when I was 19, I had fallen madly and truly in love and was engaged to a somewhat older guy; he had a brain aneurysm while driving to our engagement party and died instantly. I was not with him as I was already in my hometown awaiting his arrival that never happened and it took his terrible sisters 10 hours to contact me to let me know.
Did you know that I have had 2 miscarriages, one being that of my fiance who passed away, but it wasn't really a miscarriage because my mother told the doctor to give me something "to get rid of it...she is young and won't know and this way she can just start her life over again"...One does not simply not know and start over, but you knew that, right?
Did you know that I was pregnant with my daughter on my 21st birthday and never really properly celebrated it as most would by going out to all the clubs and having shots and being social? I was at home with headphones on my belly playing Beethoven and Bach or playing Cello, though I bet you didn't even know I could play an instrument, let alone the entire wind section of a band and violin, viola, cello and the xylophone, right?
Did you know that I had three children in the span of less than one rolling calendar year? (I will leave it to you to figure out that math)
Did you know that since 2008, I have been in and out of remission for a type of bone marrow cancer called myeloproliferative neoplasm disorder, which leads to myeloid lymphoma?
Did you know that in 2018 I had a little over 1/3 of my large intestine removed and ended up nearly dying from a staph infection that I got from an unsterilized piece of surgical equipment that had two strains of Nordic Staph that has not been seen in the US in 108 years?
Did you know that last year when I posted my Thanksgiving post with all of my sparkling china and food and mentioned something about how I am treated at home, it was my small way of crying out?
Did you know that things only got far more worse since then? Probably not because I have not been posting here as I did before.
My life now that I am going to stop asking if you knew is completely different. I have found strong ground to stand on even though it is moving. I decided on 9/22/21 when my abuser/husband spent over an hour berating, belittling, bashing, name calling and eventually causing injury to me that it was the last time. I decided to draw a line and start to make a legal record of it and called 911. The police deputies FAILED their jobs that night. They did not do any single step in the Florida Statute 741.29 that is REQUIRED to be done. Because they neglected to do their job properly as per PROTOCOL, my abuser remained in the home since I am a stay at home mother for my children and I also "work" from home. From Sept 22 until Nov 7, he elevated his threats, his running commentary about how he felt about my children and I, he continued to use finances to control me, he did the grocery shopping and used that as a mechanism to control and abuse me as well. On November 7, the police were once again called to my home after he had become violent again. They once again did not follow PROTOCOL and nothing happened to him. However, I did force him to leave that night and would not let the deputies leave until he was gone.
This past week has been the most terrifying, freeing, roller coaster of a tumultuous time. I have a fractured hand, I have a stack of paperwork I need to complete to submit for a Domestic Violence Restraining Order, I changed my deadbolt to a keypad and key combo system and changed the door knob lock as well so it is a two key system. From his end, since he had hired an attorney back at the end of September anyway to file for divorce, he has finally filed- which saves me the $500 filing fee.
My children are happy, peaceful and glad that I am safe, though they do have questions about what makes people do things like that to other people. I don't know how to answer that for them really other than just to say, "Sometimes good people do bad things on accident and sometimes the people we think are good people really aren't."
I have no real in come persay aside from child support and have spent the past year and a half donating my time to assisting with pro se legal writing work for inmates in Arizona and other states as well. If I am not doing that I am volunteering in helping inmates who are about 3 months away from getting released with preparing for reintegration. Helping them to find jobs, housing, their families if necessary. I do this out of my love of people, the payment is a full heart. Unfortunately for me, a full heart does not pay the electric bill or put food on the table; so I guess I am going to have to apply for some jobs.
I am a very, VERY strong and fiercely independent woman. You need to understand how bad things were for me to be so afraid I have spent the last week in trauma, rotating in and out of panic attacks and involuntary shaking. The abyss of uncertainty clings to my every thought, even as I fall away into sleep- when sleep actually happens.
So let my story be a lesson to those who are suffering. Do not feel that you are required to suffer in silence. Your silence helps no one, especially you.
Bee Well and Bee Lov'd, my friends. Until we "meet" again.
