Question. I have been married for 11 years, and my husband and I are highly-qualified professionals. We have two kids and love each other a lot. We are sexually active and are quite happy.
However, my problem is that I am attracted to one of my colleagues. I had joined this new job two years back and had felt an instant connection with him, although this is just a one-sided affair as he is not interested in me. He is a happy-go-lucky kind of a person who does not think twice before sharing details about his personal life, which according to him is in turmoil as he is not happy with his wife.
I want to forget him but it's not easy since we meet every day and he behaves very nicely with me. I even fantasize about him while making love with my husband. I just can't stop thinking about him
Please help me because I want to put an end to this and concentrate on my family and career
Answer..!! It may be difficult to find yourself inexplicably fantasizing about your co-worker, when you feel content and happy in your marriage. You seem to love your partner deeply and are emotionally and sexually satisfied with him, thus you feel that the solid trust you've built may be fractured by this indulgence. It can bring with it feelings of guilt and reproaches, on one hand, and excitement and pleasure on the other. It must be causing a lot of emotional turmoil which maybe the reason you are unable to focus on your family and career. Thus, seeking help for the same is a step in the right direction.
There have been several studies across cultures showing that a significant percentage of women in long-term relationships like yours, do fantasize about other men they know. In 2015, a British company surveyed and found the number to be 46 per cent; a recent Czech research found the number to be 72 per cent, and a study from University of Vermont found that 80% of married women fantasize about men other than their husband, while 98% of men fantasize about women other than their wife. Indian data may differ due to the lack of openness in our socio-cultural system. Thus, you need not be singled out, your fantasy maybe normal, and quite likely meaningless.
The evolutionary explanation which may surpass all socio-cultural inhibition, and explain the biological aspect, is that fantasies may just be a way for women to indulge in a primitive urge for sexual variety while staying true to their committed long-term relationship. Sometimes when couples are together for a long time, their intimacy loses the excitement and they tend to play the same strings over and over again.
Female sexuality is driven by relationship cues and factors compared to their male counterparts. Women tend to fantasize sexually about known individuals, such as past boyfriends, co-workers, friends with whom they have had some form of relationship. This explains your fantasy for your co-worker. However, it is important to note that this does NOT mean that you actually have a desire to act out the fantasies with him.
Having a fantasy and acting on it is not the same. Most individuals who fantasize, learn to control the impulsive tendency. There's no scientific evidence that fantasy means you will actually stray. In fact, it is maybe helping you to stay committed by scratching that novelty itch without actually crossing any lines.
On the other hand, in my practice I have found that sometimes these fantasies do open the floodgate of desire, to become actual infidelities. This is particularly true if you're preoccupied with these thoughts and can't enjoy intimacy with your partner, which has started happening with you. Although your fantasy is one-sided, remember cheating is a choice—not a mistake. Thus, stray away from making that choice. Rather than just trying to fight back these thoughts, it might be worth trying to examine what might be prompting them.
Even if you are seemingly happy in marriage, examine if there is something about your spouse's interaction or behaviour that is disturbing you lately. Are there gaps in your marriage which your co-worker is filling? What qualities about your co-worker are drawing your interests, and do you feel your partner lacks these? By allowing yourself to explore your fantasies instead of fighting them off, you may gain insights. Sometimes, it helps to openly share the insights with your husband, without bringing up the fantasy. You can discuss what they might represent and how you can try to bring the spark back to stimulate your relationship. Remember, though, that fantasies aren't the only way to keep excitement in a long-term relationship.
Shift the focus of your fantasy from the target object to the content. What wish is it fulfilling, rather than who they involve—to view it in potentially therapeutic light. This will help you bring those fantasies into your marriage to enhance your experience of intimacy with your