2d 20h 17m
Taste Smell: 100% Breathing: 92%
Energy: 69% Motivation: 25%
According to the stats, I should have more energy, so why do I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep? My former wife called me this morning and asked if I could watch the kids until 11:30 am. I wish she would give me some heads up instead of just expecting me to be available at the drop of a hat. She also brought up child support for the 10th time. Technically I'm only behind half a month, but you try explaining that to a brick wall. Why doesn't she trust that I would pay her if I could? I mean after all during our marriage I was always faithful and she threw me out. I didn't want the separation at the time. Now I wouldn't have it any other way. She keeps asking me about my work or if I'm even looking for a job. I asked her. Why would I not be? You think I like living this way? She said it feels like I'm trying to make her life difficult. In my mind, I said "Honey, You are no longer important in my life, my world no longer revolves around you. You threw that away a year ago."
I perfected my mantra
"I love my body. My boys deserve a healthy father. I honor my body & heart. I honor my boys & their future. I need to live as long as possible because my dreams are that big."
I'm on the edge/ tipping point of so many things right now. If this deal with selling my company doesn't go through soon. I'll be evicted and no one in Salt Lake has offered to let me stay with them, so I may end up down in Moab with my Mom. That wouldn't be that bad. I would just miss my boys like crazy. I have another interview with Badger Maps. I know the pay won't be that great, but it seems like a great place to work with a lot of potential. Okland construction still hasn't gotten back to me for an interview. It's hard to want to look for work when you're not sure if you'll be living in the area in a few weeks. I'm almost out of my depression meds and my appointment isn't until next Thursday. I better call the hospital. I'm starting to desire love. Not sex but love. I want someone I can talk to anytime. That actually responses. I want to feel wanted. Not needed. I've realized that younger girls like to play games. I should stick to a woman my age or older, but as I said in my day 2 Quit Journal I don't like to limit my potential. Although younger women appear to be a waste of time so far. It's as if they don't understand what they want, so they are unable to be completely honest with their feelings. Maybe they are afraid to be assertive because boys have gotten mad in the past when they have stated their true feelings and called them a bitch or hoe. I know even boys in their 30s do this, yes I call them boys because they haven't quite grasped the meaning of being a man yet. I've seen this over and over again in my dating experience. Women are not used to my honesty and my willingness to accept their honesty. I don't take it personally when a woman tells me they are not interested. I'll respect their wishes to back off and give them time. Although I have had a harder time not giving space lately, due to my state of mind. I'm still less forward than the stories I've heard. I honor and respect women. They are amazing. There are so many that have helped guide me through this last year and helped me realize who I am and what I'm here to do. I'm amazed at the powerful woman that have rallied around me this year and my whole life without me knowing.
The guidance has been nice, but I need some love. I'm stuck in this World where if a woman is amazing to talk to and powerful. I don't pursue her because I want her to remain in my life. I'm not yet capable of a long-term love. Although there is one I would be willing to pursue that is one of the most intellectually inspiring individuals I've ever met. She's aware how I feel about her, she just isn't ready for a real relationship. I respect that and don't want to rush it. This is not to degrade any of the women I'm dating currently. You have to be of high intelligence for me to even be interested because otherwise I can't speak to you of what goes on inside my head and we won't have any kind of connection. The women I find myself currently dating are unaware of their brilliance and lack confidence. Which does not make them long-term candidates anyway? We can have a deep, loving, amazing connection for maybe a night or two months at the most, but their lack of confidence always leads to an end of the relationship. I know this going in and warn these beautiful women it won't last and I'm not looking for anything serious. Does this make me an asshole? I ponder this frequently.
So as you can see I'm in limbo waiting for life to work out. Trying to stay positive by focusing on my dreams and not the daily struggle. I'm going to win this war/ wars raging on inside me. Although I may lose many battles along the way. " I will honor all mankind, with love and kindness" Maybe I should add that to my mantra. I love you all. Have an amazing day and thanks for tuning in. I hope it was enjoyable.
