< Rant >

I hate my skin, hate it so much that on some days, I feel like setting myself on fire.

I’m doing everything right, everything. I sleep better and more regularly than ever before, I switched to a silk pillow case, which is more gentle to aggravated skin, and try not to smush my face into the pillow most of the times. I eat fairly heathy, mostly vegan and I have been avoiding dairy and sugar very well. I am not stressed 24/7, my periods are regular, and I have the best skincare stuff money can buy. I don’t wear makeup every day and I try to avoid touching my face unnecessarily. Yet my skin is in the worst condition It has ever been in. It makes no fucking sense, none! I’m so frustrated and angry at my body. Why can it not work!?

It’s tragic that I had a lot better skin when my died consisted of soda, french fries and candy FOR YEARS, though, I was on birth control back then. The side effects of that were fun tho, never felt horny and I was even a bigger mental case than I am now. But at least my skin was alright. So think about that, think what my body is trying to tell me, and can you see how little sense it makes and why I am so angry at it.

This fucking sack of shit body makes no sense, and science has yet to discover what really causes acne and how it can be treated, some people are just genetically more prone to having it. Skin is our largest organ, and when it’s sick, it’s pretty bad. There are birth control pills and antibiotics that can possibly help, but that is just treating the problem with poison, without getting to the root of what causes these problems. I don’t believe in masking problems with medication, without trying to figure out what causes the problems. I am not willing to eat antibiotics with horrible side effects or birth control that can lead to cancer and even make me barren. I wish so badly that someone could tell me exactly what causes my skin problems, and how to treat it. Having a balanced healthy life is usually the answer to everything, but it’s not working, and I’m getting desperate.

I’m almost 30 and I’m now suffering from acne a lot worse than it was during my teenage years. I’m tired of fighting this every day. On some odd days, my skin looks like the human skin, and it makes me so damn happy. I feel so good, I feel I look like a million bucks and I could run the world. But alas, it’s only every now and then. I pretty much think that I would be happy if I had good skin.

People with acne are the only ones that can understand this, so everyone else can shut the fuck up, okay. And acne is not something you go through for a few months as a teenager, and acne is not having a pimple here and there. It’s cystic, persistent and it’s not something you can cover with makeup. You can cover discolouration, but you can’t cover texture. I’m also well aware that my acne is not the worst kind there is, there are people with a lot more severe acne, but for me, it’s really bad, because I of course compare it to what it has been before.

I want to shed my old, acne riddled, scarred, atopic skin like a snake and reveal a shiny and beautiful new skin underneath it. I just want to wake up with good skin, even moderately good skin, something that a little makeup can make look really nice. I am not expecting to have zero pimples, no visible pores and perfect skin, but something that doesn’t make me want to rip it off every morning.

One of the worst things with acne is that even when you try not to think about it, you are reminded of it because it hurts when you move your face, or when you touch your face and feel all the bumps, constantly reminding that it is there, even if you are not staring at yourself in the mirror. Some days I refuse to leave the house or see anyone because I have a really bad skin day. I miss out on a lot of life experiences because of my skin, which is ridiculous, I know.

I feel like stabbing people who say that you just have to be confident and that acne doesn’t make anyone less attractive, or that looks don’t matter at all. That is such a load of bullshit and if you really think so, then I have no use for you in my life. Nobody looks good with acne and I don’t believe for a second that someone is comfortable with having acne. Acne is something that can make people go through horrible depression, it is no joke.

For me and my chosen career in front of the camera, acne has an even bigger role in life than it potentially has for someone else with acne. I love to do self portrait photography, and I hate that I can’t do it on some days because my skin is so bad. You have no idea how many otherwise great pictures I have had to discard because no amount of makeup or photoshopping would rescue them. The way I use available light in my photography, can easily emphasise the horrible texture of the skin. The only way sometimes would be to take a skin craft from my thigh and and put it on my cheek to make it work, but I don’t have photoshop skills that good.

Now that I talk about this subject, you will say that I look awesome and that I'm overreacting, and that my skin is near perfect. Of course it looks like that here, because I refuse to show my skin at it's worst, and the pictures you see are on good skin days, in good light, and with makeup and photoshop.

Please refrain from every and all advice in the comment section. I don’t want your advice on a secret Mayan tip for a turmeric mask that will magically make my skin better, or how I should stop wearing makeup or stop washing my skin. None of your tips will work, trust me, I have tried it all. I have done so much research into skin that you have no idea, and nothing you put on top of the skin, is going to make acne go away, and unless you severely burn your skin, nothing you put on top won’t make it much worse either. What ever you put on top of your skin, is treating the existing problems, but with almost every skin concern, the root cause is somewhere inside. So basically I am rotten inside.

< /Rant >

_{Ah, always feel a little better after a good rant session.}