I have today something sad to tell but also liberating. I have so many contradictions in my life and very tough things to process right now that I feel very alive, like I didn't feel for some long months. I guess, that's why I stopped writing. Everything felt just so bland, stagnated, boring. Not even one positive characteristic I coud mention. Pure mediocricity.
All this what I said before made me realize I need very shocking events happening to move me into action. Could it be some sort of numbness caused by trauma or just lazyness to keep up with myself?
My last sexual harrassment/ assault experience was in a bar and one of the super wonderful macho latinos I know -one of my proteges btw. Let's name him R- thought it was a good idea to bring my agressor in front of me right after the incident to 'talk things through' and fix the problems with each other and maybe one day be friends? (!)
Do you see what I see? Do you see how fucked up each of those words sound together? Not, really?
I am constantly second guessing myself. Everything around me tells me I overreact and that I take things too seriously. I am collecting points to be the next most dangerous, hideous, bossy bitch from the latinamerican community in Dresden. And somebody wonders now how can anyone love something so sick, pervese and disgusting like me, not even my children would. Those were the words from R last night when unfortunately we met randomly on the street when going back home with my friends.
All this past year, I didn't want R near me. Not even talking to me. Even less in the same room with me if I could avoid it. Everyone told me he is not so bad and that they recognize he is annoying but wouldn't harm, not even a fly. They said he is just a very helpless soul, he just needed more understanding from us all, also from me. He was playing the drums on my Birthday party because my friends invited a salsa band to play at my party with whom R sometimes plays his drums and noone knew he was meant to play at my party. In my f****** birthday party. I am a strict atheist and esceptic. I don't celebrate anything in this world. ONLY BIRTHDAYS because I have children and I love to have a reason to celebrate we are in this life together. His presence was there to remind me how little power I have to avoid certain situations in a very small city like Dresden with the amount of people I know through all the projects I lead here.
I promise I am really trying to pinpoint what the problem is. The problem is bigger than me, my circle of trusted people, the latinamerican community, the German society, Europe or the Americas. It's a fucking androcentric chip we all have inserted in our brains. When you question it, you are left alone.
The scene yesterday was embarrasing. I lost my voice from yealling at R. I screamed with all the power of my vocal strings, muscles, and mind. Everyone in the Alaunstrasse stopped horrified listening to two very different looking spanish speakers shout out loud unintelligible things in a very dramatic way.
I needed to say it, shout, cry. To put all that contempted frustration, anger and helplessness into words and throw it somewhere where it doesn't burn me anymore.
Just recreating the crime scene a bit. Last year around this time of the year I was just released from the hospital (had a stroke thanks to Lupus) and decided to have a night out to celebrate with some of my friends. The ones that party normallly with me, we have that irresposible compatibility of partying our ass off also in our mid- thirties. We try to lose ourselves in one night from days and days of feeling like shit or inadequate as migrants in a very racist and xenophobic city.
To be continued