Probably the greatest irony of my life is how I have an everlasting desire to be different from the people around me and yet how I crave to be surrounded by people like me who I could relate with and feel comfortable around.
This is one of those things that I never fully understand about myself and for the past few years, it has let me into overthinking and questioning some things about myself that I once never doubted.
The more I grow up, the more I feel like I need to belong somewhere, with someone. The introvert in me is slowly breaking out of his shell and trying to reach out to the world.
This is indeed rewarding and feels incredible, but I can't ignore how it also makes me incredibly confused about what I truly want from life.
Do I want close and intimate relationships, or do I want to be safe in the middle of the crowd? Do I want to fit in and belong, or stand out and be seen?
On one hand, it's only recently that I've started to take pride in being the way I am. But on the other hand, I've also been wanting to feel included and be a part of a group.
I don't know how to express it, but there's this side of me that never ever wants to fit in a box, while this other side of me is begging for belongingness.
Oftentimes when I find myself partying or in an informal public setting, it makes me question if I really want to be there or am I doing it just because I hope to feel included and invited, regardless if I'm enjoying myself or not.
I might be talking crap right now, but I've always seen myself as an outcast. Maybe it's because of the way I was brought up or the way the world influenced me as a kid, but nonetheless, it's something that has bothered me quite a lot.
If I try to fit in, I feel like I'm losing my identity; if I don't, I feel like I don't have one.
But strangely enough, it feels good to lose control sometimes. Even if I'm not being myself, it feels comfortable to act like someone I'm not, at least for a little while.
I haven't figured out this whole thing yet and there's still so much that I don't know about myself. But as I'm growing older, I'm sure I'll get a clearer perspective on life and everything I couldn't see before.
Previous Talks:
- Real Talk #1 - My Fear Of Failing As A Writer (and other stuff)
- Real Talk #2 - The Pain Of Loving A Toxic Parent
- Real Talk #3 - The Art of Asking for Help
- Real Talk #4 - Confessions
- Real Talk #5 - Let Life Flow
