Early in our relationship I really struggled with this idea of how keeping score was harmful to our relationship. For me, this was all about setting expectations and if my wife did not meet those expectations then I was justified in getting angry or rebuking her. I made this situation even worse because I'm the one that set the expectation, not her. As a result, she rarely was able to meet it and I was for ever disappointed in her.
It was a horribly abusive form of violence that I used. What made matters worse is that I blamed her for the problem when in fact the issue was mine. Keeping score is a term that I've seen used to highlight this abusive behaviour. By keeping track of who did more of the chores, made more of the money or contributed the most, I suddenly found myself feeling angry and resentful. Hey, I pulled in lots of money, the least she could do is hold up her end of the bargain. Right?
Oh how wrong I was. What I discovered is that viewing relationships from the perspective of what she could do for me was very selfish. By setting expectations, I set her up to fail which then justified my anger. I put her in a no-win situation. By keeping score, I win and she loses. That is the problem with keeping score. We treat relationships like a competitive sport and it does not work. It is abusive and destructive.
However, when I turned my thinking around and instead of contemplating what she is doing for me, I now reflect on what I can do for her, then things started to shift. We also made a leap in our relationship when we started making big decisions on a consensus basis. What that means is that we move forward when we both agree and if one of us disagrees then we stop and work it out or drop the idea.
That simple change of process may not seem like much, but it had a huge impact on our life, relationship and outcomes. It really helped that we both know what we want in life and we went for it. She is the one that wanted to make significant changes in our lives by moving off grid and doing all the work that I blog about here. I was not for it originally.
When I looked into it all, I was angry for 6 months. It took me that long to process the anger, disbelief and frustration. But I knew she was right, so I jumped on board with the idea. I've been a huge supporter of her ever since. I've found a faith and trust in her that I never saw before. She needed my help to make it happen as I have skills that she doesn't have. She also has skills I don't have. So we worked together and now the outcomes are a result of both of us, not just one.
So if we fail, we do so as a team. We don't blame one another as that never helps. We evaluate what we learned from the experience and we then move on. We support each other physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. That is what a good team does. When we succeed, it is our joint success. We still maintain our individuality through all of this by having our own hobbies, friends and personal time. But when it comes to working together, we always work towards the win/win. I'm not crossing the finish line of life without her! Period! Nobody gets left behind!
At least that is how I see it in order to ensure I keep on track. If anybody is has a question or concerns and is interested in hearing how we would address it within our own relationship, please feel free to comment here or on her post and we will address it in our post next week.
If you are curious as to my wife's views on this topic, you can read her post here:
https://steemit.com/reconcilingrelationships/@carey-page/he-said-she-said-keeping-score
Click here for more information on how to join The Virtue Circle
Click here to join us on Discord.