My first support group – or group of 3 clean, recovering friends I made in NA when I first came around – are a big part of my personal recovery journey and of my getting and staying clean. I held on to these 3 people for dear life – white-knuckling them, the way I white-knuckled the seats in my earliest NA meetings, before I became acquainted with them.
We did everything together because we were all new in recovery and all needed desperately to fill the hours and days, weekends and time before, between and after meetings.
We stayed clean, together – and encouraged each other to come back if one of us slipped. Although we were together for several years, it seemed like a lifetime.
We were there on one others first dates, helped each other through breakups, spent new years’ eves together and other holidays with each other’s families; we cried with each other, laughed with each other and were part of each other’s wedding parties. We were part of one another’s NA anniversary celebrations and were each other’s roommates at retreats and conventions. And we learned how to socialize, together, at bowling alleys or Karaoke nights or home poker games.
Sometimes we argued like any other friends might do from time to time.
But I went to these members of my support group, often before or instead of going to my sponsor if I was having a bad day or was in a bad situation. Because the 4 of us knew the daily ins and outs of one another’s lives so well, we didn’t need to start from the beginning in explaining a situation.
One of the women in my support group called me first when she found out her husband was having an affair. Another told me things she thought she never say out-loud, like how she had gotten high while pregnant. Another asked me to help her clear her apartment because she felt so overwhelmed by the mess she was frozen from doing anything.
Seven years ago, one of the 4 women in my support group died, most likely from an overdose – her 3rd or 4th. But I can’t be sure, having never seen the medical examiner’s report. She suffered horribly emotionally, mentally and physically all her life and we’re still not sure whether her overdose was accidental or not. I remember her telling me she used to have operations/surgeries just to get painkillers because that’s how badly she felt she needed them. Her last Facebook post was on Aug 3, 2010: Off to the oral surgeon today have some sort of infection or a wisdom tooth, either way I'm in a lot of pain. I feel like someone hit me in the face with a shovel, never thought I would be looking forward to a trip to the oral surgeon.” She died later that night – at home, after filling strong new prescriptions.
In 2014, a second woman in the group died, also under mysterious circumstances. In both cases, drugs and/or their addiction were the direct cause of their deaths. Each left behind 2 high-school aged children, husbands, and others in recovery. For both, I think getting their NYS nursing licenses reinstated were the beginning of the end for them.
The last member of my support group moved about an hour away, sometime ago, and has twins now like 10 years old – 1 of whom has multiple special needs. I spent many hours with her in the neo-natal, premature baby, intensive care unit at Stony Brook Hospital where her kids spent the first couple of months of their lives. Although we very rarely talk these days, those times when we do it’s as if no time has passed.
I’ve had members of support groups since then that have come and gone – some staying longer than others. I have the same sponsor although I’ve been thinking about changing that person just because times have changed. But I haven’t had, nor will I probably ever have, relationships like those I had with these women in early recovery. I’m not sure where I’d be today without them.
I can absolutely attest to just how critical having a support group is to maintaining sobriety – and sanity, serenity, and general well-being. I’ve gone through some of the worst times in my life since these 2 women died, and came close to not making it through, clean.
I think therapists and counselors absolutely have a place in helping those with addiction, get and stay clean and learn how to cope with, and live life with out, the use of drugs. The 12 steps are an essential road map to a batter way of life and anyone can follow the simple spiritual principles behind them. But the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous – my fellow recovering addicts - and most importantly my support groups over the years, have definitely benefitted me the most.
I’ve learned everything in Narcotics Anonymous over the last 20-some years, including: how to be a mom, a daughter, a friend, a wife, girlfriend, sponsor, sponsee, employee and co-worker. And I’ve learned what NOT to do, in the rooms of NA. Every day I learn how to get through another experience clean – without using. And every day I have another chance at getting it right.
Today, I still gain my strength from the people in the rooms – the fellowship. God speaks to me through them, and through others I meet along the way. But the closeness -born out of desperation – is gone. And its been replaced by more superficial relationships with women over the years.
But I would tell anyone who’s trying to get clean today, to get themselves a support group. If someone is having trouble grasping the concept of a “support group,” I’d say to just think of it as a group of people you meet in NA or AA who, like you, are staying clean and recovering a day at a time. And that it be people who you can relate to and with whom you have life-things in common with.
You don’t need many friends or a big support group, either. If you have just a couple of people that you can go to, without reservation, you’re pretty fortunate.
We can’t do this alone. NA says we never have to.
