You might be wondering, what does it mean for ones partner to be incongruent? Who amongst you is the incongruent partner? Which ever way, being in a relationship with an incongruent partner could be confusing and we are about to talk about all that in this post. So I welcome you to a "truth be told Thursday " where I would always be discussing about those things that exists but not given much attention to, maybe because we consider them less important to life. Stick with me as we delve into the topic of today.
Basically, an incongruent partner is one who says one thing and do another or do one thing and say another, hope you got the drift.
Fact is, if you are dating or in a relationship with an incongruent person you will never forget it because they most times make you feel like you are lossing your mind and you might be floating in a river of bliss and pissed.
Being in love with this kind of person can be very devastating and confusing because they either do the right things and say the wrong things or the other way round. But it is certain that they are either doing or saying the right thing. That alone can make one go crazy because you get to see the opposite of what he had told you in 10 minutes back and you wonder or ask with your eyes wide open in confusion "is this you?" ... Haha!
Here is a clearer picture by selfac5:
I recently saw a male client who was upset about his wife’s possible affair. She had been staying out drinking on weeknights until 1 am, leaving him with the kids. For years she had also been under-functioning in the home, so that he had to do most of the childcare and chores. He complained that she would leave her clothes on the floor all the time despite his requests not to, was constantly late for events, and was undependable in many ways.
I listened to his mouth and words make this list of complaints. He was tearful but tried not to cry throughout the session. He seemed to be struggling to keep his emotions in check. Each time I ask him how he was feeling, he dismissed his emotions or changed the subject or said his wife is “not that bad” or “I don’t want to make it seem like she does this all the time.”
It left me wondering: What are his real emotions, beliefs and thoughts? I’m sure if he observed himself neutrally, he would have had the same question.
Looking at his tears, you might have suspected he was sad. Hearing his words, you might have guessed he was mildly angry. He said the situation was not that concerning to him, but then he would bring the same complaints up over and over again, so you might conclude he really was concerned about her behaviors. Add in his denials, changing opinions, and vague language and, overall, you would be very confused as to his real feelings and opinions.
Judging from what this man was into, it is clear that he is hurtful and concerned that even lead him to a psychologist in the first place but started confusing us where,
He said the situation was not that concerning to him, but then he would bring the same complaints up over and over again
Made the whole thing very very very confusing and am asking myself these rhetorical questions; why then was he complaining in the first place? Why did he go through the stress of talking to someone? Was he looking for help or want to keep on living with his wife the way she is? Trust me so many question keeps springing up. Maybe some one would get to answer some for us at the comments.
Saying the right thing and doing the wrong thing or vice versa.
(confusing and contradictory words to say; it's either you are here or there... period!)
So many people might have experienced this in their relationships and so it is a very serious case. A partner who says all sweet things and do all bad and bitter things to you is incongruent... o yes he/she is. A one who treats you kindly, pamper, spends on you and all of that but go one to talk to you abusively lacking an atom of love is incongruent. These behaviours leaves the other partner feeling uncertain, unsure and in deep mess.
It leaves a person feeling depressed and dried out. Looking older than a 50 years old while in the 30s, it makes the other partner feeling emotionally traumatized and feel abused and unloved. I choose to call this toxic relationship.
would my partner change for the better?
I know some thoughts like this might be going through your minds.
- We love each other so I feel he/she would change.
- He/she apologises when ever am hurt with words or action.
- He/she always promise he would work on this and I believe him.
- He/ she says no one is perfect, am a work in progress.
There is nothing that is not workable if much effort is put, there is no reason why you shouldn't forgive if an apology is tendered, there is no reason why you should not believe if a "promise" has been made to work on this and it is true no one is perfect maybe he/she is a work in progress... Haha. Well after all this things and they still the same old thing, you might really go crazy like big time.
Do not forget that these people know the right button to press. So do not be fooled, it is better you go into love or relationship with your head and clear understanding of what you want. Am not the one there, so I can not make that decision and make that call, the ball lies in your court.
I don't know what to do, should I stay or walk out ?
Like I mentioned earlier it's your call to make. If you have not defined the one thing that keeps you in that relationship then you can not make this decision.
Well I might rather help with some questions you might want to answer to guild you in making meaningful decision.
- what have you gained while in that relationship?
- do you have things you might want to change in your relationship?
- Do you get less than you bargained for?
- Is the relationship going to last for a long time or one for "just the moment" stuff?
- Are You lossing your mind to negative vices or is your life changing for the better?
- Are you the course of the problems in that relationship?
Am sure these questions might even spring up other questions to be considered when you start answering them. Meanwhile, I would also list some questions for an incongruent partner to answer, some do not know they are but you can answer this to discover if you are or not..
- Why do you act the way you do?
- Have you been able to discover yourself?
- Do You know that by your actions you are toxic and abusive?
- Are you egocentric and gain strenght by putting others down by what you say or do? This is a sign of weakness, you might want to change it.
- Are you scared of doing those right things you say or do; Or you just want to cage people and lock them up not letting them experience love and peace of mind?
Having listed out these questions, you might want to have a rethink and change for the better or you might just watch your partner walk out of that door and they would be glad they did.
There is a better life for you out there, maybe you are scared of walking away?
If you are in a relationship and it is so toxic for you, grab your things and flee. It does not make you a coward or a losser, it only makes you a strong person who understands that a toxic place is not for you. Start a new page and get your acts together, it will also be the best time to really outline and set goals that will improve your life.
Do not suffer yourself, bottle up your emotions and die because you are in a relationship that sings " I love you" everywhere and time but yet you have no idea what it feels to be loved. That place is not for you. Man or woman, guy or lady that place is not for you, it's time to move on! Never feel sorry or regret you ever did.
I am not preaching divorce for those that are married and going through stuffs like this. Truth is you are already married, I for one does not support divorce but I suggest that before marriage you endeavour to know the true person you are dating before it leads into marriage. The only option is to seek help from counsellors, marriage advicers, psychologists, pastors or clergies and God... yes, God.
But if you are unmarried... my dear one you know what to do. Never use yourself as a lab rat and continue to wait till when they change because that might not happen especially if they do not have understanding and love means nothing to them.
Conclusion
Love could be very blinding in a relationship like this because this type of partners either do the right thing and say the wrong things and vice versa but if you feel crazy in such relationship, stop and think then tell them how congruent you want them to be. If this is an issue then no matter how much you love this person you have to leave because this relationship is not healthy for you.
I know this is not easy because from how confused you've become about love, you are scared if you would ever find someone better. But hey, you have to understand that after you might have talked and explained how uncertain and confused you are and the same things still occur then they are aware of their actions and are using the good words and deeds to make you stay so that they can have power over you and make you miserable and confused about love. When you let them it becomes the leverage they have over you.
Love is peaceful, love is kind, it does not lie and it woukd not intentionally hurt you. It removes all doubts, it makes you feel worthy of life and work hard to get rid of habits that makes you sad. Love is unconditional.
There is someone out there for you, do not let anyone tell you less. Love will find you and when it does you will be happy you made the right choice.
Value yourself once again and never rely or depending on others for peace and love. Love yourself and others. Never hurt others to remain on top of the game, this is only a sign of weakness and not strenght.
knowledge and insight is good but in all your gettings do not forget wisdom. Be wise always. The most important thing is that you have peace and people around you can enjoy and be a part of that peace.
I will be drawing the curtains here and will be waiting for all of your educative comments as it facilitates learning. Do well to resteem this post so that we can know what the steemit community has to add concerning this topic. Remain blessed and stay inspired.
Sources:
http://selfacceptancepsychology.com/incongruent-emotions-harm-relationships/
Image sources: GOOGLE.
