To the Steem community:
My mind is like a whirlwind.
This is an honest post and is reflecting of my current state of mind. This is a real life situation in which I am asking for you, my dear reader, your wise opinion for my humble self. So let us begin...
Over the past 48 hours, I have felt as though my heart and mind have been at war against one another. The very being of my body trembles as I type here, not knowing which direction to steer my life in. Before writing this article, I have had many thoughts plague my soul as to what I should or should not do.
I have been mentally debating within myself as to whether or not I should publicly disclose my innermost feelings and desires in answering one of life's key questions:
TO END OR NOT TO END THE RELATIONSHIP? That is the question...
And so I find myself, in front of my computer, constantly sighing and breathing with regret at every single word that I type. Sighing because I am unsure, and not wanting to hurt the partner that I have been with for just under a year. Regret because I am afraid, afraid that I will find no other. People often say that they believe in love at first sight. Is this real? Do you believe in love at first sight?
I feel like the time is right to bare my feelings and to honestly look at a relationship to see if the foundations are working - or if I am just deluding myself for the sake of "comfort".
This is what I felt like when the relationship first began.
She was so kind, amazing, patient, loyal, and understanding.
Her smile: filled with so much purity and calmness.
Her demeanour: such a hard-working person who is living alone in a foreign country away from her parents.
Her height: small, like really small, we are talking 150cm compared to my 170cm. So quite cute. We even came up with nicknames for each other - she was pigsy, and I was bunny. So together, we were "bugsy".
But then, over time, I noticed signs of these once adorable traits beginning to change. If I were to ask her - let's call her Megan to protect her identity - if I were to ask Megan to repeat something that she had just said to me because I had misheard or did not understand, she would get frustrated, and roll her eyes. If I did not understand a concept that she would be talking about, instead of patiently explaining the concept to me, Megan would then become annoyed as I could tell this in her voice.
So with these things in mind, I began to hesitate.
I began to doubt.
"Would Megan be able to handle the rigours of a family life with children?"
"Would Megan be able to deal with life's difficulties rather than becoming so annoyed and agitated at such inconveniences?"
She has mentioned before that she looks forward to the day where she can give birth to a child and then simply "hand the child to her mother so she can look after it". This does not tell me that she would be a good mother. Or am I being too judgemental and harsh?
I simply fear that by breaking up our relationship, I would cause her harm in the form of sadness. I do not want to cause her harm but I also do not see how I can raise a family with her as our cultures are different. She is Asian and my background is European. This is a point I should have mentioned before, but Megan and I are of differing cultures. My parents would not accept her, however her parents would accept me.
My heart partially bleeds because I feel sorry for her. I want her to be happy. She has told me herself that she has never fell in love with anyone else like she has with me. That touched me, to the point where I almost cried. Simply by just thinking about her being alone, walking by herself, working by herself, struggling by herself as she is small and often has to carry heavy items - these all make me feel sorry for her. To the point where I would give everything up JUST to be with her.
If someone were to ask me "Adz, what do you want in life?" I would respond with this:
THIS IS ALL I WANT!
No joke.
A Loving Family, pure happiness, loving children, a loving wife. Yet why, why oh why is this so hard when the matter of a relationship comes to mind?!
I have been there with Megan through her most important moments in life. Buying her first car. Driving her to the airport as she travels interstate for business conferences.
My mind is telling me not to be with someone just because I feel sorry for them. Yet at the same time I feel as though my ultimate happiness will not be realised if I am with someone just because I am "comfortable" and have been with them for under a year. My heart is telling me to stay with Megan... and it is for this reason, my dear and esteemed reader, that I beseech you, I implore you for your guidance.
I am stuck at a crossroads, and I need your help:
# Is there anyone else in this position at the moment?
# Has anyone else gone through this?
# Can someone please offer me advice?
Please reply as soon as possible, as any of the guidance and help that I receive I will actually be making a decision on.
Any upvotes or resteems to this post is much appreciated, as I want to help others in this situation by sharing this information with them.
Yours always,
Adz
* Courtesy to markmanson.net for the first image. Courtesy to want2discover.com for the second image. Courtesy to babyclub.asda.com for the third image