What do we really want to know? Will saying it (or not) make you happier together?
The beginning of a new relationship is a period of discovery during which you discover the person who has entered your life: the good, the bad and sometimes the downright filthy.
But in terms of gender and, more specifically, the number of people we slept with, what do we really want to know? Will saying it (or not) make you happier together?
"Choosing or not saying it is entirely up to you," says Peter Saddington, marriage counselor at Relate. "It depends mainly on your propensity to talk about intimate things with others."
"The ease with which you trust depends on many things, your culture, your religious beliefs, the sense of security your couple gives you, and your feelings about your sexuality," he says. he.
So we asked specialists to tell us about the benefits and possible drawbacks to consider before talking about her past sex life.
What are the benefits of talking to your partner?
You do not get tired of keeping the secret.
If you are used to telling your intimacy, the fact of silencing this particular information may seem painful to you.
Sarah Ryan, director of a marriage agency, believes that sharing will help you deepen your relationship: "Any relationship that is built to last is based on two fundamental things: trust and respect, which I believe will come from As much as possible, including sex life, if your relationship is long gone, why keep your previous experiences and partners quiet? In life, keeping things for yourself actually consumes more energy than sharing them. "
Your past experiences have made you what you are today
It goes without saying that your past sexual and love experiences have shaped your personality and your couple's behavior. So informing your partner is likely to provide him with keys to understand you.
"If past experiences do not determine your future, they certainly shape who you are today, your partner will want to know as much about you and your adventures as possible, especially if the relationship takes a serious turn," she continues.
As a couple, honesty is the best option
It may seem trivial, but honesty is often the best policy to follow. And even if your discretion is not necessarily synonymous with lying, in the long run it may cause you to hide things. Would not it be simpler to say everything right away? "In my opinion, this is the best attitude to have," she says. "Your partner should know everything about you."
What are the disadvantages of talking to your partner?
It can change the perception you have of each other.
We all know that the number of conquests of your partner should not affect your couple. After all, it's ancient history. But you should be clear with yourself with regard to one-night strokes before looking to find out more.
"If you ask your partner how many people he has slept with, try not to be judgmental," advises Peter Saddington. "You have to know what you want."
"If we prefer not to answer you, asking the reason is not a problem, but do not push the other person to his limits and respect his privacy if he or she prefers to keep quiet.If your partner judges you by the yardstick of many of your conquests, tell yourself that it says a lot more about him or her, about his own insecurity and prejudices than about you. "
It may be a sign that your partner is too much in control
When you plan to deliver or not, keep in mind that you do not have to and you can choose to shut up. If your partner naturally asks you the question, there is no need to worry, but if he or she insists heavily, ask yourself questions.
"Ask yourself, or ask him directly, what he or she wants to know exactly," he advises. "You'll know right away if the question sounds indiscreet or makes you feel uncomfortable.If he or she insists, it may be a sign of a relationship of domination.A healthy relationship is when you have the feeling that you can say things to your partner without feeling obligated. "
Giving a random number does not make sense
In the end, a number is just a number. So avoid being tortured with this arbitrary marker of "sexual experience": we all know that there is no correlation between the number of notches on the amount of bed and being a good shot .
"Giving a precise number will not do much unless your partner wants to know it," says Sarah Ryan. "It all depends on the context and the real demand of the partner.If it's about understanding your mutual sexual preferences, it's important for the physical communication under the duvet.But if it's just a question of who has the more 'experience', it will not bring anything to your couple. "
How to reveal this information?
If you have decided to give this information, pay attention to how you are going to do it. Ask yourself first mutually if you want to know it. Otherwise you may feel that you have shot your cards too fast.
Evaluate the importance you really give to the number in question. How will you feel if your partner's partner is higher or lower? Basically, would not you rather not know anything?
Finally, think about what it is important to share: "Find out in detail who, where, when, in what position and size of the bodies involved will not necessarily fix things," warns Peter Saddington.
It may also be useful to take into account the intimacy of the people you slept with. What would you do if someone tore on your darling's account of the moment?