"Why do you go out with that girl?" and "Every time you say it is an ordinary friend!" Every time you know that the other half is in close touch with the opposite sex, there will be a big fight between lovers. But is there really "pure friendship" between men and women? Is there a certain amount of love between the opposite sex friends? Japan's No. 1 psychologist Kawai Hiroshi does not think so...
"Why do you go out with that girl?" and "Every time you say it is an ordinary friend!" Every time you know that the other half is in close touch with the opposite sex, there will be a big fight between lovers. But is there really "pure friendship" between men and women? Is there a certain amount of love between the opposite sex friends? Japan's No. 1 psychologist Kawai Hiroshi does not think so...
n this way, I believe that even if friendships between men and women arise, it would be better to say that love will act in the middle of anyway, and that the maintenance of friend relationships will become impossible. Even if men and women are initially convinced that they should communicate with each other in a friend's relationship, friendship may also evolve into love for some reason or irresistibly. This is very often the case.
Why is this? This can be understood by observing animals other than humans. Are there friendships between animals? There may be, but there are not many such examples. However, males and females attract each other during the estrus period. This can be said to be clear and clear without proof. If you can't call it "love", but the attractiveness between the male and the female is really strong, the male will make every effort to attract the female. The mating of males and females is related to the continued existence of races. Therefore, the attraction between the sexes is even their highest priority for living.
Humans are also animals, but they are significantly different from other animals. As for the relationship between men and women, through the combination of men and women, women give birth to children to continue the race. Although human beings are the same as other animals on this point, there is no time limit for the estrus period. It can be every moment of the year. And, with the link between sex and happiness, the union of men and women is positioned in the social order in the form of marriage. Although the various details of the marriage form will vary according to the times and culture, it is probably the case.
As for love, because of such animal nature as the foundation, the body can involuntarily generate impulses, and naturally it will have powerful power. Therefore, when you are in love, many people will ignore the thoughts of others, or leave all common sense behind them. It is of course natural to take it for granted.
Even if we say that the relationship between each other is "pure friendship", or intends to develop like this, as long as humans are still animals, it will not be long before the attraction between men and women begins to ferment, all kinds of care and concern will disappear. Therefore, some people say that it is impossible for men and women to have pure friendship.
However, things are not so simple. Indeed, the boundless power of love is undeniable, but it is too biased to say that there is no friendship between men and women. Before thinking about this question, it may be necessary to think about the "sex" that twists friendship.
The two sides of sex-------------
Sexual impulses are strong. For humans, how to deal with it and look at it is not easy. How to treat sex in religion is a very important issue, but it can also be said that religions have completely different views on sex.
As we all know, Christianity is very strict about sex. Although the thoughts of Buddhism and Christianity are different, they can be said to be harsh for sex. On the contrary, in Babylon, the relationship between sex and religion is very close. In short, in valuing human reason, sexual impulses are regarded as things that destroy rationality and give lower evaluations. When we value the natural qualities of human beings, we regard them as fundamental forces. And give a high rating - you can say so.
Jung said that sex exists from heaven to hell and from hell to hell. It is true that sex can be either a noble spiritual discipline or a purely physical relationship and can have a variety of ways of looking at it.
Even if men and women develop friendship, once this kind of human impulsive sexual impulse is entangled, the relationship will suddenly turn into love, or because the will not want to cross the line is too strong, so that friendship can not develop steadily. Therefore, it is only natural that there will be such an idea that there can be no pure friendship between men and women.
However, trying to think about it from the situation after marriage, what will happen? Even if you meet with the opposite sex like you are single, you don't necessarily suddenly have a sexual impulse. When a married male and a female touch each other, it is different from being in love, and it sometimes creates friendship.
Is friendship at this time the same as friendship between same-sex? Although it is a "friend," after all, you will still feel the opposite sex as the opposite sex. Since he felt the opposite sex as the opposite sex, would this be love, but merely hiding his true feelings?
How to distinguish this is quite difficult. However, there is nothing wrong with holding favor.
As long as you refrain from dancing, do not take actual actions, and maintain the relationship between friends, over time, the relationship between each other will be sublimated into a purely beautiful friendship because of the spiritual nature of "sex."
The romantic love that was created between the European knights in the Middle Ages is the best example. The Cavaliers dedicate their love to the women they love, bet on their lives, and completely restrain their sexual desires. Although the knight will suffer from this, but the pain also exercises him and promotes him, thus gaining a religious noble spirit.
It is worth noting that the decline of romantic love and Christian power is almost simultaneous. When people cannot fully believe in God, they will want to seek religiousity in the love of men and women. However, this can only be achieved if it is subjected to strict asceticism.
As the times change, human beings become more and more secular, breaking the major taboos of sexual love in romantic love, and the idea that "the supreme realm of love between men and women lies in the combination of the flesh" turns to the pursuit of a happy marriage.
Western folktales often treat men and women as happy endings, reflecting the above ideas. Folk tales can regard marriage as the end of happiness, but real life can't be like this, and life after marriage still has to continue. Gradually, after seeing how difficult it is to maintain a happy marriage, repeated divorce and remarriage like Americans have emerged.
Intense and beautiful love is just like the previous one. It has powerful power to overcome all things. However, after the achievement of love, it is also a major feature that it cannot be maintained for a long time. In this way, can we only continue to divorce, remarriage, or maintain marriage through the way of couple separation?
At this time, friendship has appeared. To maintain a married life, the power of friendship is greater than love. Having said that, I regard friendship as the foundation of marriage maintenance, not to deny love. Of course, the two can coexist, and the coexistence of the two is more interesting. The incredible power possessed by "sex" is not as weak as it is to strengthen, so that the relationship between husband and wife can develop more stably.
Friendship between the opposite sex------
Just said the friendship between husband and wife, this means that the friendship between the opposite sex is possible, and there are still friendships between the opposite sex that are not threatened by love. Actually, I can see from the side that there is a case for the establishment of this kind of friendship. It is easy to understand that the two parties who used to be couples or lovers, after breaking up, still interact with each other as good friends. In other words, the relationship between the two parties "graduates" from the sexual relationship.
The friendship between the opposite sex is not always the result of treating the other person as a love object or having a sexual relationship, after graduating from that relationship. From the very beginning, restraining yourself with a rigorous attitude can also achieve such friendship. However, this kind of friendship is like a folk story: cover the narrow bottle with a five-dollar coin, pour the oiled pot down from the tree, and let the oil flow into the bottle from the hole of the five-dollar coin. There is no leakage at all - you must have such superb skills, otherwise you will not be careful, and the oil will leak out of the bottle.
This is different from the depletion of sexual desire that is common in young people today. Because the sexual desire is weak and there is no feeling of love, just being in contact with each other, this is not a "friendship."
A major feature of this situation is the lack of emotional communication between the two.
As is well known, the name of the Kamakura era, Ming Ming, has never had sex with women in his life. In that era, the relationship between monks and women was quite common. Under such a social atmosphere, although Ming Hui's master adhered to the precepts, he was not a wood man who was not interested in women. He was a very popular and deeply emotional woman.
The letter he wrote to Bhikkhuni still remains, and he can feel his delicate love for the other party.
In the later years, Ming Hui’s retrospectives recalled that he had never broken his life. When he was unable to suppress his emotions and planned to break the ring, he had an “unbelievable thing” that made him unable to do so. That is to say, although she experienced the emotional shake that was difficult to restrain with her willpower, but because of the "unbelievable thing", he finally kept the commandments.
What happened to "unbelievable things" at that time? Because Minghui did not disclose it, we have no way of knowing it. However, in the cases I heard in my consultations, such incredible things did happen.
There is a couple, a single male colleague of the husband is often entertained to eat at his house.
Over time, the relationship between the lady and the man became more and more intimate, but the gentleman did not care, and said that he became very busy when he came home, and seemed to welcome him very much. Both the wife and the male colleagues felt that they were attracted to each other, but they still treated their feelings as "friendship."
At one point, the three of them planned to go to the concert together, but the gentleman was on a business trip. The gentleman did not mind at all. "Opportunity is rare. Let's go for both of you!" Then he went out.
Although the two did not say anything, they both had a hunch. It would be crucial for them to listen to the concert together. In the emotion of both fear and expectation, the phone rang when the lady was making makeup for the appointment, saying that the husband was hospitalized in a business trip and asked her to rush immediately. Fortunately, Mr. was not in danger of life and was discharged from the hospital soon. But for his wife and male colleagues, this incident is like "Apocalypse", and the waves in their hearts have subsided.
The single male colleague later married, and the two couples continued to communicate in a friend's relationship. As for the incident, of course, no one knows that the two have not mentioned each other since then, but they all remember that there was a whirlpool of fluctuations in their hearts.
Of course, there is also the opposite situation. The opposite sex developed extraordinary friendship. It was thought that it had been carefully guarded against falling into the "dangerous relationship", but unexpectedly "unbelievable things happened", so that the two finally walked together. Although I really want to blame them for their weak willpower, because of the incredible things, it is too cruel to make such assertions, and even people feel that this is the inevitable result of avoiding the "accidental". "result.
It seems that the friendship between the opposite sex can be said to be related to the depth of the soul. When it comes to the depth of the mind, "incredible things" often occur. The so-called "intimate relationship" generally refers to the physical relationship. However, I think that when the spiritual relationship is getting closer, people can only develop deep spiritual relationships purely through the body.