Messaging: The Neglected Secret Weapon
No matter we would like it or not, digital world is growing and it seems it going to impact our relationship is as well and there is no boundaries for it. I know dating online is might be last option for most of us in order to find a true couple, but if you are going through it, this summary might be helpful for you
A quick google search reveals a bias in the online-dating advice industry: it’s all about pictures, bios, and listicles of “the 10 unwritten rules of online dating.”
This stuff is important. Online dating is self-marketing. You need a fire profile and to understand the etiquette.
But here’s the thing: this advice is easy to give because it’s easy to implement. You can pay a professional profile pic photographer for better images. You can get your female friends to help you with your bio.
What money can’t buy: the tool kit to write solid messages, get quality conversations going, and get dates. We’re here to help.
Messages are your audition for face time. If you’re devoting more than 50% of your bandwidth to picture selection and bio tweaking, you’re mis-allocating your resources.
Think of your profile like a resume. Messaging is the job interview and a screening combined. So you’re going to want to ace it.
Your Goals in Messaging
1. Capture and Hold Interest
2. Find Out if There’s a Connection
3. Present an Authentic Self-Image
4. Make Them Feel Safe
5. Move it to a Meeting
What NOT To Do
I don’t want to insult our readership with this, but for the troglodytes who somehow found their way to Primer:
§ Don’t be a creep
§ Don’t be sexual in any way
§ Don’t be cocky
§ No one word or grunt-derived openers (‘Sup.’ ‘Hey.’)
§ And…
Write the Best Message, Every Time
Here are some general guidelines for upping your message game. If you’re in a rush, scroll down for our robust 3-step formula.
1. Be personal
We get it – messaging is time consuming. So it’s OK to develop a template and work from that (more on that in the formula below).
But spamming out the same generic message is a mistake. By targeting everyone generally you’re targeting no one.
Internal testing at Primer indicates the personal touch works. One contributor was able to double his response rate (from 5% to 10%) by writing bespoke messages.
Potentially double your response rate by being personal.
2. Be Specific (About Them)
Examine their bio and images for something specific that you have in common. It can be anything, but it needs to be something you share – even just an interest in travel. Why?
First, it starts building rapport. Second, it invites your match to share something about themselves. Third, it gives you a topic to begin and expand into a real conversation.
Now, a lot of people are lazy with their profiles. If their pictures or bio don’t give you anything to work with, move on. It means they’re not serious about the process.
3. Be Generous (About You)
After you’ve suggested a shared interest, be generous with your personality, opinions, and passions.
Using our travel example, mention the last place you went and why it was unexpected or amazing.
If your response is, “I’m kinda boring,” consider this: Everyone – everyone – is interesting. Dig in to your experience, what you’re interested in and passionate about, and be generous with that.
4. Be Humorous
Humorous is different than funny. Funny is for comedians. We can’t all rise to that level.
The good new is, humorous is enough.
Psychologist Scott Barry Kaufman has written about this in his excellent book Mating Unleashed: The Role of the Mind in Sex, Dating, and Love. Humor signals both intelligence and the ability to win others over, both traits highly desirable in a potential heavy petting partner.
If you struggle with humor, shyness, or generally aren’t likeable here are some ideas:
§ Self Deprecation: Find a way to put yourself down, but in a confident way that shows your humor, self-awareness, and that you don’t take yourself too seriously
§ Irony: Combined with self-deprecation, this can be a powerful tool. For example, “I just tried shuffleboard for the first time. My team went 5 in 15 but I think I might turn pro.”
§ Absurdism: It’s OK to be ridiculous if it will make your match smile. And really, what do you have to lose?
5. Keep Saying, “Yes, and…”
This tip comes from the world of improv rule and boils down to: be 100% positive, keep the conversation moving, don’t argue.
You might think it’s cute or show off your intelligence to get into a disagreement, but that comes with big risks. Your job is to establish rapport and common ground, not swing your big …brain.
The Patent-Pending Three Point Format
The guys here at Primer have, at different times, been in the New York, Los Angeles, and Denver dating scenes off and on for years. Out of discussions and a few Scotch-fueled informal messaging workshops has arisen a formula:
Open with a common interest/observation/bold statement based on their profile
Deploy humor
Ask a question
If this was interesting for you, please let me know your questions, comments and personal experiences in comment section.
This article is a summary of: https://www.primermagazine.com/2017/love/write-the-perfect-online-dating-opening-message-every-damn-time