Should you ever go back to your Ex.

After a break-up it can be tempting to give your ex
another chance, especially if neither of you has
moved on. But can it ever work and is going back
to an ex ever a good idea? We investigate
Relationships end for all sorts of different reasons
and it’s never a pleasant experience. Sometimes
what looks like an ending isn’t – it’s a break that
allows both parties to retreat, take stock and maybe
come back together and give it another go. Couples
who have got back together after a break often say
that their relationship is stronger as a result, but
there are many others who kick themselves for
having made the same mistake twice. Each
situation is unique and at the end of the day only
you can decide if you want to give it another shot
with someone. Even so, here are some things to
bear in mind if you are considering getting back
with an ex.
What are your reasons for wanting them back?f

Just as there are wrong reasons to be in a
relationship there are also wrong reasons to get
back with someone. Here are the most common:

(1) Mutual loneliness

You get back together, not because you really want
to be together, but because there’s no-one else
around that either of you are interested in. These
situations often arise when you carry on hanging
out in the same social group as your ex and you
kind of drift back together. This is a temporary
solution to your loneliness and often ends up with
sex but no relationship. Sooner or later one or both
of you will get hurt.

(2) Jealousy

As harsh as it seems, people sometimes get back
with their ex not because they want to be with them
but because they can’t bear the idea of them being
with anyone else. This usually has nothing to do
with love and everything to do with control and
manipulation and it’s unlikely the relationship will
last.

(3)Forbidden fruit

Often people find their ex irresistibly attractive when
they get together with someone else and become
unattainable. These relationships often start as
affairs, with one or both parties with other people,
and it’s the thrill of the forbidden that is so
seductive and enticing. The trouble is that people
often don’t want their prize once they’ve got it and
after the initial red hot passion has died down there
is nothing of substance left.
The most common situations where people get
back together with an ex and it builds into a
relationship that may be better or stronger than it
was before are:

(4) Enforced separation

Lots of couples split due to circumstances beyond
their control like their work taking them to a different
country, or family circumstances that make it
impossible for them be together. Whatever the
reason, their break-up was either not their decision
or what they decided to do because it was
impossible to carry on being together under the
circumstances. If the external circumstances change
and they find themselves able to be together again,
the relationship and commitment between them is
often much stronger as the result of the separation.

(5) Jeopardy

Sometimes it isn’t until a relationship has broken up
that people realise that they need to change their
behaviour or attitudes. It can be a valuable wake up
call to realise that unless you change you may
never see your partner again. If you really believe
your ex has learnt their lesson and changed
whatever it was that caused the break in the first
place then it may be worth giving them a second
chance.

(6) Unfinished business

There are some situations where the relationship
ended prematurely and both parties feel that it
wasn’t complete. They get back together rather than
risk living with the regret that they didn’t give it
another shot. It may be an important final chapter
or the beginning of a new one, either way it was
what they had to do to have closure.

(7) Forgiveness

Before you get back with an ex it is really important
to ask yourself whether you can really forgive
whatever it was that ended the relationship in the
first place? There is no point getting back together
if every time you have a row you bring up the old
hurt because you will never be able to develop true
intimacy with them again. Forgiving someone isn’t
the same as condoning what they did, it’s about
agreeing to let it go and make a new and different
start together. Don’t try to go back to how things
were before but try to be content to look forward
and build something different.