- Don’t forget the small things.
Small things can create massive emotions.
Think butterfly effect. They also have the ability to add up. Not putting dishes
away, throwing clothes wherever you want, these can become the straw that
breaks the camel’s back. If you have a partner, you know what I’m talking about.
It’s the little things that tend to aggravate them. Whenever my father would leave
socks on the floor and my mother complained to him, he would say, “To change a
man, you must first change his grandmother.” What he meant was I’m not going
to change, so stop asking me to. It was witty, and it made everyone smile, but as
a husband and a father, I now know that that was a slap in her face. She had an
equal amount of stress on her shoulders, and he was declaring that her problems
were not worth his time. It was a sly way to say, “Shut up, and leave me alone.”
So at the core of this one is an issue of respect. Show your partner you respect
him or her enough to help out where you can. No matter how small and irrelevant
you think it is. I am not telling you to lie and pretend it is important if you don’t
believe it is. What I am telling you is that if your partner bothered to say
something to you about it, then you need to respect him or her enough to do it.
Remember: People are collages. Very few people have one or two things that
make them who they are. Everyone is made up of thousands of values,
expectations, and experiences. Respect that. Don’t discard the small things!
- Communicate to your partner what you love about him or her daily.
Either write down or tell your partner why you love him or her on a regular basis. Truly
think about what it is about your person that makes you love them. Don’t be afraid
to sound like a broken record. My wife lights up every time I tell her why I love
her. She never gets tired of hearing it. Communicating why does a couple of
things. The first thing it does is that it builds trust. Your wife won’t fear you have
‘wandering eyes’ if she feels that you sincerely love her. She’ll know she is not
just some person for whom you settled, who makes life easier for you, or is
convenient to have around when you’re horny. She’s the real thing. The second
thing it does is open up more channels of communication. If both of you know
that the foundation to your relationship is strong, you’ll be less likely to hold
something back when the two of you are in a tiff. This is important, and leads me
to number three.
- Be Honest. See a pattern already?
I can’t emphasize the need for communication enough. I like to have a weekly relationship discussion with
my wife. During this time we speak candidly about what went wrong and what went
right. For us it’s like a performance review. This may not work for you, but what
you must do at the very least is communicate with your partner and be honest. If
you’re not being honest, and if you’re not communicating, then you’re not in a true
partnership. Show your partner you respect him or her enough to say what you
think. If you love one another, your relationship will not only hold strong (not
matter what you express), but it will get stronger because (going back to number
two) you’ll be establishing trust.
- Don’t yell. This applies to both of you.
Simply put, it’s the worst way for a human being to communicate. Yelling implies that you don’t respect the
person in front of you, and that you’re not in control. It is imperative that you set the pattern
of not yelling at the very beginning if you can. Men, if you yell at your woman the
first thing that’s going to come to her mind is that she’s in an abusive relationship.
She’ll lie awake that night fearing that you will one day hit her. And ladies, yelling
at your man kills his ability to be loving. It also creates a mother/ son dynamic,
which, for obvious reasons, you don’t want to get into. You want your partner to
be on the same level as you. Either way, if you are a man or a woman and you
want a partner you can boss around and yell at, then, all joking aside, you may
need counseling. You’re going through power plays that suggest childhood
trauma, and your spouse represents someone who hurt you in the past, be it
physically and/ or emotionally.
- Talk about things that bug you. Don't hold them in.
The biggest thing that can hurt a relationship is not communicating. Think about it. You’re drawing
within yourself and becoming distant from your partner. This is never a good
thing. Doing this also suggests that you want your partner to start petting you and
pampering you, which delves again into a parent-child dynamic. Avoid this
dynamic at all costs! Now everyone isn’t able to express his or her emotions right
when they have been hurt. Some people need time to process; however, you
know when you’re done processing. Communicate as soon as you can to your
partner. Harking back to step one (don’t forget the small things), know that the
human body can only hold so much negative energy within it before it explodes.
Like a volcano, you’ll erupt if you don’t let off a little steam here and there. Small
disputes are forgettable, but blowouts are not. They stay with you and can cause
lasting emotional scars. You’ll be old and grey, and you’ll still be able to recall
vividly that day one of you lost it...whether you are still with that person or not.