In the book, "Why Can't You Read My Mind?", authors Jeffrey Bernstein and Susan Magee highlighted 9 specific types of relationship-sabotaging, destructive thoughts that couples should avoid when things are not going as expected...
Although the thought patterns are mostly common among couples in unfulfilling, problematic intimate relationships, not paying attention to the presence of those thoughts in any relationship could put the relationship at risk.
Let's take a quick look at some of those negative thought patterns...
#1. The All-or-Nothing Trap
You see your partner as either always doing the wrong thing, or never doing the right thing. ("He always has to be right!")
#2. Catastrophic Conclusions
One partner exaggerates negative actions and events concerning the other partner. ("She bounced that check and now we are definitely heading to the poor house!")
#3. The "Should" Bomb
One partner assumes the other will meet one or more of his or her needs - just because he or she should know that need. ("You should know how much I hate my job, even though I tell everyone what a great opportunity it is.")
#4. Label Slinging
You unfairly, and negatively, label your partner and lose sight of his or her positive qualities. ("You are so lazy!")
#5. The Blame Game
You unfairly, and irrationally, blame your partner for relationship issues, or bigger issues. ("My life only sucks because of you!")
#6. Emotional Short Circuits
Emotional short circuits occur when one partner becomes convinced that his or her partner's emotions can't be "handled." ("No one can possibly ever reason with her!")
#7. Overactive Imagination
In this case, you reach negative conclusions about your partner that are not based in reality. ("She's so preoccupied lately; she must be having an affair.")
#8. Head Game Gamble
You try to outsmart your partner by erroneously assuming he or she has certain motives. ("He's only being nice to me because he wants to play golf this weekend.")
#9. Disillusionment Doom
This occurs when partners focus on idealized expectations of their partner that are rooted in the past. ("All he does now is worry about his job; he is just like all the other guys who never cared one bit about my needs.")
While there may certainly be kernels of truth underlying some of these types of toxic thoughts, it is the extent to which we distort, exaggerate, and overly focus on them that can suck the joy out of loving relationships.
But being able to look for, and then dwell on, your partner's positive qualities and behaviours is the key to overcoming these toxic thoughts about him or her.
