...choices...
As I stare out the window of my apartment, I wonder if its like this for everyone, if feelings are as chaotic and relationships as disorganised as mine is, or if I'm just unlucky.
Mike and I have been going on for three years now and he's sweet (he really is), cuddly, gives the nicest gifts and listens a lot...he makes me feel so cherished and protected and safe.
No! He's not cheating,..I turn and stare at the mirror where my black eye, cut lip, ripped weave and bruised body stared back..and really wish he would cheat.
It was a little disagreement, nothing major, he and I were at lunch when a guy we knew play winked at me and I laughed,I didn't wink back, I swear,I didn't but all that fell on deaf ears as I hoarsely shouted them while his fists landed on me...remembering it makes me want to cry, I can't cry again, I've been sobbing for three days and I'm exhausted .
I know in my bones what I need, I know I need to call it off, I need sometime to myself to think 'us' through and I will tell him that... I will let him know that I hurt, I will let it go and as though on cue memories come flooding back, the day we met, his terrible laugh, his awful cooking, his smile, his strength under pressure, his reassurances, the way he hated what I hated and help me through tough situations and I start crying all over again, huge sobs that make my bruises hurt and makes me cry the more...I deserve better, I do...I didn't think I would land in an abusive relationship, is it even abusive, I mean we fought(all couples fight), and technically his fist hit my eye by mistake, right????..... I thought about it, got a headache and resumed crying.
The worst part is I can't tell anyone, I mean I can but I won't, who would believe this, people would see me as damaged goods, my reputation would be ruined and so would his....and I start crying all over again at the situation. I am going to end things, I look at myself in the mirror again, I will.
I will move on and.... I'm interrupted by my phones shrill tone, I look at the caller ID and its mike, my heart jumps, even though my body hurts ,my heart still flutters and I almost smile at the irony, I ignore the call of course but I bury my head in my arms and think about my decisions, think about life without mike my solid pillar and the tears come back again... Love is sometimes a painful thing,
And even though I hurt a lot, I know I still need Mike in my life because now I get Selena's sentiment "The heart wants what it wants"....
Now listen ladies, It's okay for the heart to want what it wants but sometimes the heart can't have what it wants because of the after effects. You have to realize what's good for you and what's not good for you. You deserve so much better than being hit and being abused. It may not be easy to leave at first but it always gets better with time.
The greatest thing you can do for yourself is to love yourself so much because no one will love you the way you'll do.
#myImaginations