Unedited gift I created and shared with my Girlfriend in the Fall of 2016. She just so happened to re-read the old email and send it back to me as an awesome re-gifting!
Message she left me:
This guy...
ATTENTION ATTENTION, IVE FUCKED UP IN KEEPING UP WITH MY GOALS HERE AS THE PROJECTS IVE BEGUN FOR MYSELF HERE. WHERE IS MY PASSION???
DO I EVEN GOT PASSSION WITHIN MYSELF????
WHERE IS MY DRIVE???
MY PUSH????
THE WILL TO MOVE MYSELF FOR MYSELF....THE WILLINGNESS TO SIT UP AND SPEAK>>>JUST TO EVEN SIT THE FUCK UP SO THAT I CAN WRITE....WHERE IS MY REGARD??? DO I EVEN WANT TO BE HERE???
WHY THE FUCK HAVE I CREATED SUCH A LAZY ATTITUDE>>>????
HAVE I CREATED A PREFERENCE TOWARDS BEING STATIC>>>>STUCK??? SOLID>>>>IN BEING STILL>>>>>AND MOVING IS A POINT OF LABOR< WORK< WORK>>>EFFORT>>>>STIMULATION>>>WHERE IS MY DESIRE FOR MYSELF HERE??? WHERE IS MY REGARD FOR EVERYONE AS MYSELF HERE>>>>HOW CAN I EVEN TAKE A MOMENT TO CONSIDER ANYONE EFFECTIVELY>>>IF I DONT FIRST TAKE A MOMENT TO CARE FOR MYSELF FOR REAL>>>>TO REALL CARE ABOUT MYSELF HERE AS LIFE HERE>>>>TO REALLY GET TO KNOW MYSELF>>>>TO INVESTIGATE MYSELF ANBD PURIFY MY RELATIONSHIPS WITH MYSELF HERE>>>>TO PURIFY MYSELF>
WHY THE FUCK DO I WANT TO PURIFY MYSELF HERE???
I REGARD MYSELF AS FUCKED UP>>>>>INABILITY TO FUNCTION IN THE BEST OF MY WAYS>>>>DOING WHAT I WANT TO DO HAS BECOME A CHORE>>>>IT”S LIKE DRIVING MYSELF WITHIN MY OWN BODY HAS BEEN QUITE THE BATTLE>>>THE CONFLICT THAT IVE MADE SUCH A THING ABOUT. IT”S ALWAYS EASY TO EXPLAIN AND HELP ANOTHER>>>>BECAUSE IT IS JUST TAKING ORDERS>>>GIVING A DIRECTION AND CHECKING IT OUT>>>>USING THE ROUTE.
WHY THE FUCK DO I RESIST CREATING DIRECTION FOR MYSELF????
FEAR???
NO.
HAVE I NOT EVER REALLY CONSIDERED THIS FOR MYSELF?
LIKE DO I EVEN KNOW HOW TO CREATE DIRECTION AND PURPOSE FOR MYSELF???
IN A STRUCTURED WAY???
WHY STRUCTURE???
Platform for Balance! We live on a Planet that is sound....everyone...everything is Sound. Structure in and of itself is SPECIFIC SOUND.
IVE HAD DREAM OF LIVING RETIREMENT. FUCK THAT, I've Had ENOUGH of that BULLSHIT. Bullshit because it's like I have been just Crusing around in a Sort of Dazed and Confused Attitude of like wow...sort of aimless....just short sighted in that i Play for the day....work if i have to...so I can live to Play another Day.
SO Why is This Bullshit? Because I have a tremendous Capacity to Create So much more for myself and Others. What do I mean? I mean, I haven't really used my Time to my full Effectiveness, because I haven't challendged my very own thinking....Thoughts that come up that keep me in a state of Retirement and Retreat from MY FOLLOW THROUGH!!!!
THIS POINT OF FOLLOW THROUGH HAS EVEN REVEALED ITSELF TO ME AS ME IN AND AS MY GOLF GAME!! I”VE LITERARLY Been Coming Up SHORT....SHORT, Meaning, that I've had tremendous Power Leaks in the Way I've Been Operating...Moving.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Live Postponement.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Live without Structure.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Neglect Creating Structured Supports for Myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Suppress PASSION!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Want to Sleep for Forever.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Want to Be Retired.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regard Retirement Living as the Ultimate Dream.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a fantasy Dream World for myself as Retirement Living.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand how much I have suppressed my potential to Move...to Create...to Play....to Work...within and as the Preference Focus on/of Being Retired.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Resist Going Deep within myself to See all the Way what I have created For Myself here.
I commit myself to Living.
I commit myself as Passion
I commit myself to Stop Suppressing My Creator, Creation Abilities to Play and Work.
I commit myself to Creating Awesome Structure Supports for Myself.
I forgive Myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear my own Dissatisfaction to such an extent that I would make believe an alternate Reality of Satisfaction that was complete and utter Bullshit, totally not satisfying.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose to Deceive Myself so extensively that I don't even realize the exten to which I Deceive myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Suppress the Anger Inside myself to such an extent that I present the persona of everything being all good....all chill.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exhaust myself within Being Positive All the Time!!!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a Bullshit Attitude within myself of Fearing Negativity...and therefore, Resisting Negativity.
I forgive Myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear Conflict.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Perpetuate Inner Conflict as a result of Creating a Fear about Conflict.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest a form of self-censorship as a result of Fearing to Be Regarded in moments as Challenging, Confrontational and Conflictual.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Create a Sense of Morality within Myself based on the judgement and comparison of what I define as Good Vs. Bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Suppress Myself Living Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Compromise My ability to Live Here in this World.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Believe I need to Compromise myself Here in this world...So that I can be Better abled to Work and Create a World that is Best for Everyone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Forget About Myself and My Life and My Passion Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Self-Sacrifice Myself Existence Here out of Frustration and Not Understanding How to Live my Life for Real as Life Eternal Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get LOST within and as My Relationships.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the point of How I Get Lost within my Relationships. Separation. Not realizing and understanding Myself within Relationships to Myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear myself in Relationships.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to censor my participation within relationships because I haven't completely accepted myself within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dismiss relationships to my own detriment....not realizing and understanding the Equality and Oneness of Life here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wallow within an extreme case of Depression where I created a preference towards Hiding within my Depression as a Result of Fearing my self-created World to such an extent that I would rather be Distracted from the Truth of my Creation Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to characterize myself in what I think would be the best character to be. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand the mistake of creating a particular character personification for myself...where I superimpose that as to be me...as that being all of me here. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize nor understand the expression of all characterizations of myself from moment to moment. That, for me to really Live here without such restraints and charges against myself as my word sentencing, I require to be flexible and adaptable here as the Point of Purity in and as My Sound. This i have come to realize as a point of Vulnerability, within and as self-trust. This is my self-honesty. To unconditionally express myself from moment to moment in and as the best of my abilities. I realize and understand my self-expression is my capacity and ability to PLAY!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Stress myself out within my and as thoughts that come up within my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the experience of Tiredness that comes up within me when and as I have been planning to do something else.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for Motivation, Direction, Inspiration within and as the Reactions That come up within me as my Thoughts, Feelings, and Emotions from Moment to Moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my thoughts, feelings, emotions that come up within me as reactions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deplete my ability to function effectively within and as a result of exhausting myself within the particular energy experience that comes up within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make sense of non sense within myself as a result of accepting and allowing myself to Stop myself from Questioning the Energy That is Coming Up within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Go with the Flow of the Energetic Reactionary Experience that comes up within me as Thoughts, Feelings, and Emotions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Resist Creating and Living Structure and Discipline within my Life. Meaning, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid Living Responsibilities that I create for Myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse Responsibilities with Excuses and Justifications.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist challenging and Stopping the excuses and justifications that come up within me.
I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR ACCEPTING AND ALLOWING MYSELF TO BELEIVE PASSION TO BE SOMETHING SEPARATE FROM MYSELF THAT I COMMIT TO DO...AS LIKE SOMETHING I COMMIT TO BECOME ONE WITH. I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR ACCEPTING AND ALLOWING MYSELF TO BELIEVE 'PASSION' TO BE SOMETHING THAT I DO....A PARTICULAR THING....LIKE THIS ONE THING....OR JUST A FEW THINGS.
I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR ACCEPTING AND ALLOWING MYSELF TO NOT REALIZE MYSELF ALWAYS HERE AS PASSION.
I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR ACCEPTING AND ALLOWING MYSELF TO NOT REALIZE AND UNDERSTAND HOW I CREATED A SORT OF COGNITIVE DISSONANCE ABOUT PASSION WITHIN MYSELF.
I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR ACCEPTING AND ALLOWING MYSELF TO NOT REALIZE AND UNDERSTAND THE STARTING POINT OF WORDS....CREATION HERE AS ONENESS AND EQUALITY. MEANING, EVERYTHING IS A SELF-REFLECTION HERE. ALL IS LIFE ETERNAL. ALWAYS IT. WE EXPRESS THE EXPERIENCES OF OURSELVES WITHIN AND AS DIFFERENT BITS OF INFORMATION FROM MOMENT TO MOMENT.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist completely investigating myself within and as my words. I realize my potential ability here is a result of and as my word relationships. My word relationships reflect within and as my world relationships. I realize my words are alive...as all words are alive...and that for our words to have charges against ourselves...is to not realize nor understand what we are doing to ourselves within our words and therefore our world.
I realize Existence is so much so a sound game...and it's a point of Play. I realize how I have suppressed my ability to Play within fearing to question ways to Play that I am not living. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the vulnerability within not being very skilled within a game...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear frustration and irritation within not being very well developed in knowing how to play a game to my utmost potential.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid pushing myself to develop my skills within playing a game that i am less skilled than i would like to be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my dissatisfaction and my ability to push myself to develop my skill within areas that i am not very skilled.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the self-enjoyment of myself within playing games that I am just a beginner or intermediate player within.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be conflicted within myself here as my best potential, Where I want to be the best...but I don't want to work and play for it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect myself to have ability without actually taking the time to give myself that ability. To create the ability....the response ability. I realize it is my decision whether or not I develop my creator given abilities.
To Be Continued - Will share some of the Journey that's emerged since then! It's been a pretty epic journey thus far.
CHEERS TO AN EXTRAORDINARY REST OF 2018