When the Scorpio (knife twister) told me how much sexier, younger (the same age as his daughter) and more beautiful than me the new one was, I'm not gonna lie, I felt it and I was supposed to. I'm a woman, not a girl. I knew I wasn't his idea of deeply attractive since he repeatedly told me so. But I am plenty of other men's idea of deeply attractive and when I saw her, I realised I wouldn't want to look like her. I also realised I like the shape of my body. I need to make it healthier. My body right now, I feel , is a reflection of the way I've been feeling inside (unhealthy). Just like when I was struggling with anorexia-it was a reflection of the way I was feeling inside (empty). And the scruffy old clothes I wear are also a reflection of the way I feel inside (neglected).
He wouldn't walk with me, lest anybody think he had stooped so low to be with me and wasn't single. He thought she was worthy of showing off. She, as I've said, bejewelled and with her expensive bag resting on the table, her tasselled, black designer dress and head cocked in photographs, looked HM (High Maintenance H.M. like HIM): expensive. He had always told me he 'could to better than' me, that he found other women much more attractive than me, that he was better than me, that I was too old (something that recently, when I'd mentioned he'd said that, had made somebody laugh since she had no idea I was older than 25), that I was 'punching above my weight' with him because I had only 'useless' education, no family and was unloved (unlike him), had 'no career' and, without a pair of 'killer' red-lacquered soul shoes and an expensive dress, I 'didn't look the part'. There was a litany of insults which I'll not repeat here for fear of being boring. My male friends have been supportive of me at this time. They've opened my eyes to the abuse I allowed and let slide.
No wonder he criticised me so heavily- I was so far from his type. I'm academic, sensitive, gentle-not glamorous: feminine, yes. But practical. I looked out of place with him because I wasn't in heels. He looked slick, sophisticated. I looked like an unemployed graduate or artist. He'd shown me a video of him dancing with her at a bar. She looked so like him I thought she was his sister for a moment. She was looking off to the side before she noticed him filming her and then, she shone for the camera, just like he did (a male model) and she put on a show; and with a flash of a grin accompanied by a specific and sharp sideways jolt of the face, she bared her teeth. I realised, when I saw that, it was an exact mimic of one of his playful attitudes. The narcissist had found his reflection in his 'sexy as fk' new girl; so no wonder he was so deeply satisfied. The energy matched exactly, as did the presentation-they looked perfect together so much so, like a reflection of each other. He told me people commented on how good they looked together. He liked the way she reflected on his image. He had met his match. I wondered about karma and how that might work, should two narcissists find themselves together.
I've been wondering since whether I might have, from some place of deep inner wisdom, have unconsciously engineered my circumstances to ensure the ending of the misery of that relationship and break the spell I was under. I felt trapped with him. I felt destabilised by the fact I was in but not quite in a relationship with a man who every other week dumped me and then, after a blistering tirade of abuse and put downs where he slammed everything from my body and looks and failure (lack of money) that would continue for several days, informed me that I belonged to him, and would be nothing without him. I accepted that. I am therefore, responsible for it. I did it to myself.
I responded to my unhappiness with him by persisting in wearing the wrong clothes and failing to move forward towards earning money, and by perpetuating a script of negativity, which he hated ('I've been trying this to find work but it's not working' etc). My efforts to make progress towards my career seemed futile-everything just seemed to be gridlocked, blocked. The moment he went and I started to let go, I have begun to see change. New energy seems to be coming into my life as I let go of him I let go of the negativity associated with my unhappiness with him and the way he made me feel about myself-the way I allowed him to make me feel about myself. New people-kindness and encouragement have begun to replace his cruel comments, valuable advice has replaced his criticism. A scheme to assist in becoming self employed suddenly materialised-the NEXT DAY after he revealed that he'd been cheating and left me for her. I began to start thinking about taking better care of myself.
To accept abuse is to fk yourself up. If an adult knows of abuse of a child and does nothing, they are complicit. If, as an adult, we allow ourselves to be abused, we are complicit. We do it to ourselves by allowing it. So, by the same measure, we must be able to use that same amount of misdirected energy to enable positivity in our lives. When I saw how perfect they were together and how utterly horrible he was to me, something happened. When I considered how I couldn't want him knowing he didn't ever really want me, and when I saw how I wouldn't want to look like her even though she was younger than me which is supposed to be better, and noticed his vision of utter beauty wasn’t mine -that I wanted to look like me but a healthier version of me, I took my power back. I do wonder if the cosmos refused to give me the career I so desperately needed and that was, according to him, the condition of the progress of the relationship, to break the spell I was under and save me. My career had nothing to do with his treatment of and lack of value of me, of course. She was compatible with him. I was not. And as time passes I firm up my resolve that I wouldn't want to be.
