A room of one’s own: the case for separate bedrooms in a happy marriage.
photo credit: Bekah Russom for Unsplash
I don’t share a bed with my live-in boyfriend. Actually, I don’t even share a bedroom, or a bathroom. I’m in a 2 bedroom, 2.5 bath townhouse, and we each have our own bath and bedrooms. He doesn't have a "man cave" and I don't have a "crafting room". We each have a full bedroom that's just ours; decorated and arranged just the way we like it. We spend most nights sleeping separately, each in our own beds, in our own bedrooms.
We love it. And I think more people should look into it. Here’s why:
Think back to when you were first dating your partner. Everything seemed new, urgent, and interesting. The mix of time spent with them and time daydreaming about them was pleasant, invigorating, and welcome.
You would go out to eat, or see a movie, or to a show, and then perhaps spend the night. The next day, you’d part ways and go about your day, happy and refreshed, excited to see them again. They’d return to their house, and you to yours. You’d tidy up a bit, but everything would be the way you left it: your bathroom, your closet, your bedroom. You could sink into your bed, with just the level of softness you like best, and “sleep diagonally” if you liked. What a luxury.
The pleasures of having your own room and space are well documented; and the delights of romantic cohabitation equally so. But where are the stories of happy couple who share a house but not a room or bed?
The idea of living together but having two separate sleeping spaces strikes many as “just this side of Woody Allen” ---as in the famed set up the filmmaker shared with Mia Farrow: adjoining but separate townhouses in Manhattan. Something must be wrong, the love must be waning, the romance completely dead. Allen’s ill-advised and scandalous romance to his own step-daughter cemented the idea: people who choose to date or marry but not share a room and a bed are hiding something dark.
However, the idea that married couples should exist in a state of permanent “new relationship energy” is relatively modern. For many years, up until about the 1800’s, marriage was a contract, and had little to do with love, romance, or partnership. Even in the 20th century, especially the first half, marriage was considered more of a family duty than a romantic adventure to be carried out with your best friend, lover, and confidant.
A marriage or partnership is about romance, but it’s also about working together, day in and day out. For that you need energy, patience, and positivity. It’s hard to do that on little or low quality sleep.
Sharing a room with someone, much less a bed, is a strain on even the most heavenly of couplings. Snoring, the mismatch between light and heavy or still and restless sleepers, different bedtimes, different body temperatures, "should the dog sleep with us", one of you needs a completely silent, pitch black room, the other wants a white noise machine….it can all add up to daily, and nightly battles. Avoidable battles! Separate beds solve a lot of the issues, and separate rooms solves all of them.
There’s some obstacles you might need to overcome on your way to separate bed heaven. Let’s take a look at how you can manage them:
No space:
This is the biggest one. Either you don’t have an unoccupied bedroom or space, or you don’t have the physical room for two beds in your bedroom.
Solutions:
o Downgrade your bed to two singles/twin beds and put both of them in the master
o Invest in a high-quality sleeper/pull out couch, trade days/weeks/months using it (or if one of you is a champion sleeper, that person gets the couch bed)
o Take back space in the house: finished basement, attic, study, den---is there anywhere a sleeper couch or day bed could fit?
o Readjust your living expenses and prioritize the bedroom count (extreme solution, but if you’re ready to murder your spouse for keeping you awake by snoring…)
Extra time and care for linens, upkeep of room, etc:
Maybe you do have a spare room, but it’s full of boxes, or there’s a simple twin bed in there you’re just saving for the occasional guest. If one of you starts sleeping there full time, you’re now looking at double the laundry, upkeep, and cleaning.
Solutions:
o Split the chores OR readjust the chores so that one of you does all the laundry, one of you does all the kitchen stuff.
o Adjust the rest of the house so the chores are easier---get rid of stuff, streamline, get a chore list and chart.
o Hire a housekeeper (also a relationship saver, trust me)
People will look at you funny when they find out
I can’t minimize this concern. I still feel a bit weird when people pull their head and shoulders back like “wha?” when I casually say “his room” or mention that we don’t share a bedroom...or a bed!
Solutions:
o Have a script ready. “We love having our own space, and we visit each other’s’ rooms frequently.” Works for me. It alludes to the fact that we’re still very much in love and romantic, and the reason it works for us as a couple. You can also go with a simple “It’s so nice,” or something short and sweet.
o Treat it like it’s totally normal and not something to explain or excuse. When you get “concern trolled” simple shrug and move on conversationally. “It works for us. Anyhoo, about that topic change.”
I miss my partner!
o Make cuddle, intimacy, and hang-out times work (before alarm goes off, before bed, Sunday mornings, etc)
o Have sleep overs on nights when you don’t need a full rested sleep to function the next day
o Keep your beds in the same room, but have separate beds
o Try it out for a month. If you hate it, go back! Little in life is irreversible.
You figured out a way to be together before you lived together, right? Just follow the same protocol now!
Like anything that initially seems odd or wrong, but ultimately winds up being a genius life hack, having your own bed and/or room is worth trying.