We've all heard the advice to repeat back what the other person is saying in your own words.
For us, that caused more fights...
And we didn't get married to fight, or be malicious, but that's what it continued to feel like. Ugh, right?!
Until....
We got a tool that actually worked. Well, two. I'm going to share these with you here:
- The "I love everything about you" exercise:
We each set the timer for 1 minute, sit facing each other and holding hands.
The speaker begins saying "I love everything about you" then lists everything and anything they love & like about the other person until the timer goes off.
The listener just listens, nothing else.
This one diffused a fight in seconds for us just the other day.
- Repeat what the other person WANTS...
The speaker talks about what they want for 2 minutes (use a timer, keep talking, expanding, using other words to fill the entire time)
the listener only says "tell me more, what else?"
After the timer goes off, the listener polishes the concepts, and maybe even hears something more subtle, and offers it back as "what you really want is..."
This one take practice, practice, practice and is HARD. Because we don't always even know what we want, let alone our partner.
For example: I went on and on about how I want to go to the beach, be served, relax for a few days without responsibilities, schedule something where we get pampered... My partner offered that I want a vacation (well, yes, but....) then suggested that I want to be served more (well, yes, a little, but not really...)..
THEN: "You want a regular, scheduled vacation" YES, YES, YES!!!
You see? It was polished and given back in a way I couldn't express myself.
Our marriage will never be the same, and we hope your relationships will flourish, too!!
Thoughts? Let us know how your tests of these exercises go in the comments below!