Have you had the warning sign yet?
You know the one I mean – the big relationship warning sign – the sign that tells you that THIS PARTNER ISN’T FOR YOU!
I’m talking about the One – the BIG warning sign.
If so, congratulations.
We’ll look at what the big warning sign is in a moment, and believe me, it’s the same for all of us…
The warning sign is there for a reason – it’s there to protect you. It’s there to tell you to save yourself, to get out. And if we ignore the warning sign, we do so at our peril. Our suffering will escalate. Our pain will be unimaginable.
So, what is the big, ONE warning sign, that you cannot ignore, the BIG warning sign that tells you to walk away IMMEDIATELY?
It’s that your partner doesn’t give a shit about your feelings.
It sounds simple, doesn’t it?
Put another way, it’s the impression that our partner doesn’t have our best interests at heart. It’s a moment in the relationship where the partner knowingly inflicts pain upon us, either by action or non-action, and leaves us to our suffering, while there interests are served.
It’s a moment which often comes early in a relationship, thankfully, giving us the opportunity for an early exit.
It’s the most painful warning that could possibly be inflicted upon us. It’s loud and clear. And yet, we rarely listen. We rarely take action. We rarely walk away.
So, we suffer.
Why is it that we don’t take action? Why don’t we walk away?
Well, there are three reasons.
The first reason is fairly trivial.
Ahead of a relationship, we may have a certain criteria that we’re using to assess a prospective partner. This will be more true of women than men, with men usually following the criteria that the women is attractive and is willing to sleep with them.
A women’s list may take into consideration the partners’ economic standing, social conduct, appearance, age, relationship history, job title… all superficialities which will be ignored at the right moment, under the right circumstances, if she and that man have a connection.
But in both cases, men and women are failing to apply the only criteria that matters in choosing a partner: How does that partner make me feel? How does that partner treat me?
So, when the Big Warning comes along, we ignore it, because we weren’t looking out for it. It takes us by surprise.
Which leads us to the second warning:
We’re shocked.
At the start of a relationship, with the happy chemicals coursing through our body and the two individuals presenting the best of themselves, both excited o be meeting someone know and forming a connection, we’re in a state of bliss.
Therefore, it comes as an inconvenience that our partner appears to be a psychopath.
It comes as a shock that the partner isn’t what the chemicals in our brain are telling us they are, and that the relationship isn’t the answer to our loneliness that we’d hoped it would be and that this isn’t the answer to our prayers after all.
It comes as a devastating blow, and one that is easier to ignore, and so we do ignore it.
And if we don’t ignore it, we tend to paper over it.
You see, when we get the Big Warning sign, that this person who we were opening up to, and who seemed to be a nice person, and who seemed to really like us, isn’t someone who even has our feelings on their radar, our reality is distorted. We go into something like an existential crisis.
When we’re in that state, our inclination isn’t to walk away in a daze. Our inclination is to repair the split in our reality, to paper over the cracks.
So we give the partner a chance to “explain” and “excuse” their actions, we have sex, and all is forgiven, sort of.
But it’s still there, deep down inside you, the knowledge that they don’t care if they hurt us, and that they’ll do it again.
Because they will always do it again.
And it will get worse.
Always.
So why don’t we walk away, when God gives the opportunity to do so, when we’re given these Big Wonderful Warning Signs?
We don’t walk away, because we don’t believe we can do any better.
We don’t believe we can find a member of the opposite sex who isn’t a psychopath.
We don’t believe we deserve a partner who considers our feelings, in their most deep and raw state, ahead of their own gratifications or insecurities.
We’ll be looking at what these gratifications and insecurities are in the next blog post, and why our partners behave in this seemingly insane way at a certain crucial point in the relationship.
We’ll call it The First Hurdle.
But before we get there, if you don’t have your belief system tied up before the relationship begins, you’ll be dead on arrival.
You can find a partner who considers your feelings and well-being.
You do deserve to love and be loved.