Something I sometimes like telling myself is "you're not crazy, Emily, you just have an insecure-avoidant attachment style."
One of my favorite things to do is to trace my current relationship patterns to my childhood and try to consciously process all the messages and beliefs I subconsciously adopted before I could wipe my own bum. Freud would be so proud.
Lately I've been thinking through attachment styles as I work through this annoying habit I have of trying to get close to someone and then suddenly pushing them away or detaching when I feel trust and love building.
If you're not familiar, Attachment Theory was developed by British child psychiatrist John Bowlby and American psychoanalyst Mary Ainsworth in the late-1900's.
The gyst of the theory is that we all develop a certain type of bond (or lack of bond) with our primary caregivers as children and those patterns replicate throughout our adult lives, affecting our relationships—especially intimate and romantic relationships. According to Bowlby and Ainsworth, there are four main types of attachment and they correspond to how adults interact in relationships, particularly during times of stress. Can you identify your attachment style from the list?
Secure attachment
Children with secure attachment feel secure, happy and eager to explore their environment. They receive consistent, sensitive care and develop a trust that their primary caregiver will meet their needs. Because of this trust, they feel they can venture out and take risks, while always having a secure base to return to.
As adults, people with this attachment style see their partner as a safe and secure connection but also feel the freedom to pursue their individual goals. Their relationships are often characterized by trust and honesty.
Insecure-avoidant attachment
Children with anxious-avoidant attachment learned that they cannot trust their primary caregivers to meet their needs. The caregiver may be emotionally unavailable or distant, and the child may eventually begin to ignore or avoid the caregiver.
In adult relationships, individuals who developed this type of attachment style highly value their independence and autonomy. They may deny the need for close relationships or emotionally distance themselves from their partner. They may have the ability to "shut down" emotionally in a stressful situation with their partner and to disengage.
Insecure-resistant (or ambivalent) attachment
In this attachment pattern, children experience their caregivers as inconsistent or pre-occupied. They may be anxious to explore their surroundings, even with the caregiver present. They may become upset or anxious when the caregiver leaves but respond with ambivalence or even anger upon the caregiver's return.
As adults, people with this attachment style may look to their partner to rescue or complete them. They crave intimacy but may have doubts about their lovability. They may become possessive and demanding of their partner, seeking a sense of safety while at the same time taking actions to push their partner away.
Disorganized attachment
This attachment style is characterized by fear and inconsistency. The child with this attachment pattern may experience the caregiver as frightened or frightening and therefore unable to meet the child's needs or provide love and support.
Adults with a disorganized attachment style may experience emotional volatility in their relationships. They may even exhibit antisocial patterns and a lack of empathy. Individuals with disorganized attachment may sabotage moments of calm in their relationship in order to return to a type of emotional chaos that feels more familiar.
Any of this sound familiar for anyone?