The Tedious Adventures of Estro-Jenny and Testos-Tyrone
Have you ever noticed that when an argument between a man and a woman breaks out, both of them seem to have a legitimate beef? What you may not notice is that only one of them speaks up first.
Let's call this person the beef-bringer.
Now, we all know that beef-bringers have a bad rap. They're often accused of nagging and starting fights. But beef-bringers don't necessarily want a fight. They want communication. They want to be heard. They want a resolution.
The fight comes in response to the presentation of beef.
Are you with me so far?
Now the beef-bringer gets blamed for many things, most notably:
- starting the argument
- failing to forgive
- not letting go of the past
Most of us know before we open our mouths that the beef-bringer must endure this shish kebob of blame being heaped upon them, so we think twice before bringing any beef to the table. Which is a a good thing. Conflicts shouldn't be endured daily. But sometimes, there's no other place to go than the Conflict Table. And that's because we're carrying around this hunk of meat that's starting to smell.
Still with me?
In a healthy relationship, both people should be occasionally bringing beef to the table. It's how relationships improve and people grow. You need to be capable of hearing someone's beef with a willingness to improve your behavior. And you need to be capable of presenting yours without beating them over the head with it.
But in an unhealthy relationship, you don't see two beef-bringers.
Sometimes only one person brings beef. In response, the other only voices return-beef once the table's been laid.
For example, let's say Estro-Jenny has a legitimate beef with Testos-Tyrone. And she brings it, slapping it down on the table: “You left your socks in the toilet again.”
Testos-Tyrone might counter with, “Yeah, but your laundry's in the washer, so I had no choice. You never put your wet clothes in the dryer, so I'm left to make due somehow.”
Interestingly, Tyrone has never once brought this piece of beef to the table on his own. But he brings it up now. Why? Self-defense. He's not hoping to change Jenny's behavior or improve the relationship in any meaningful way. He simply wants to deflect her choice cut with whatever nasty piece of grizzle is handy.
If this really were Tyrone's beef, he would occasionally approach the table on his own and open up. Instead, he's dragged to the table, kicking and screaming, and produces beef only as an after-thought.
Now, Tyrone might respond (defensively), “That's not it at all. The thing is, I don't nag! Yes, I notice these terrible things Jenny does, but I keep my mouth shut to keep the peace. I don't want to start an argument.”
Maybe so. Maybe he's consistently taking the high road. Maybe Jenny is the one with the problem, callously ignoring Testos-Tyrone and his needs, and maybe he sticks it out to practice his martyrdom. Or maybe he just doesn't value communication enough to engage in it when it's hard.
You decide.
But chances are pretty good that Estro-Jenny's behavior isn't bothering Testos-Tyrone at all, not until she's got beef. He's probably passively happy with the way things are, and not motivated enough to be proactive about any aspect of the relationship.
“You know,” Estro-Jenny interjects, “if Testos-Tyrone ever came to me with an actual beef, I think I'd cry tears of joy. It would mean he cares about improving our relationship.”
Good luck with that, Estro-Jenny. And pay attention if you're the only one bringing beef to the table. If you want to enjoy the decadent desserts of life, remember Pink Floyd, who warned us about the proper distribution of pudding.
