You’ve probably been told to let go of a situation, especially when it is detrimental to your wellbeing. The reality of the situation is that letting go is easier said than done.

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Why Let Go?

First of all, why let go? What is this idea of letting go even mean?

*Note: for simplicity and consistency, I’ll use the example of a break up when trying to let go (since emotional woes are often the hardest to let go.)

What tends to happen is when we are emotionally invested in something, we find ourselves attached to the outcome, or have an expectation about how something should be.

This could be a break up, missing out on an opportunity or just making a bad investment in life.

Whatever it is, there is something that keeps us from cutting our losses and just moving on. It seems like whatever we do, whether we distract ourselves, lie to ourselves or just hold on. We know that deep down inside, we should just let go, but we don't.

Why does this happen?!

The truth is, we are creatures of habit that are naturally resistant to change. Since change often presents the idea of uncertainty or fear, we naturally fall back to our comfort zones or habits whenever we experience change.

So when we are exposed to a situation that fills us with uncertainty or fear, such as a break up, our first instincts are to get back with that person despite all logical thought, because, they have become part of our comfort zone.

The Opposite of Letting Go

Now in order to understand what’s really going on we have to look at the opposite of letting go, which is holding on.

When we are holding onto a situation, we are essentially creating expectations about how something should be. Expectations are our way of controlling our lives, the standards to which everything should be built around, and a reflection of our identities.

The problem with having expectations, especially high expectations is that they are bound to be unmet some time or another.

Now, when something doesn’t meet our expectations or doesn’t go our way, we feel a sense of chaos and fear, or loss of control. So what do most people do when they lose this sense of control? They cling or hold onto what they know in an attempt to regain control. The mere thought of not having what you expected is like losing your sense of identity, this is why a break up can lead us confused, purposeless and depressed. The expectations of being with this person have been so ingrained that changing these expectations would mean losing a sense of self, so we think.

We hold on because it gives us a sense of control or certainty (even when our expectations are unrealistic). So when your partner leaves you, you fight like hell to get them back because your emotional brain thinks that getting them back would make you whole again, or in control again. Or that there are no better options, and the only person that could love you is that person that left you.

In the end it’s a terrible cycle, because the more you hold onto the other person the more they will push you away.

Ok we know that holding on often leads to more pain, now how do we let go?

To me I find letting go like a super power because, most of the time letting go means going against every single fiber in our body. It defies all common sense and instinct, yet at the same time by doing so it empowers you to go beyond yourself. It's as if you have to summon some kind of unnatural courage to let go life as you know it and jump into an abyss, only to know that you will survive and thrive.

Thankfully, the art of letting go isn't as melodramatic as it seems. It just involves making some small adjustments.

Here are 6 powerful ways that can give you the superpower of letting go!

Let go of Control

We’ve got to accept the fact that we can’t control everything in our lives. In fact, the only thing we can control 100% in life is our focus and our reaction to an event. That’s essentially it! You can’t control the weather, you can’t control the stock market, you can’t control if someone loves you or not – yes you can influence almost everything, but you will never have 100% control. Recognizing this will help you let go of control.

One interesting paradox of life is that when you let go of control, you have more control. Conversely, those who try to control everything are often those that have the least control. I mean have you met a control freak before? How out of control does their life seem to be? It’s just chaos!

So what does this really mean for you? It means to let go of your expectations and accept things for what they are, no matter how different they are to what you normally expect. Yes, as always it’s easier said than done, however as soon as you start accepting that you actually have very little or no control in most situations, the more control you will have

Start with the small stuff, just accept that sometimes you might miss your train, sometimes someone will cut you off in traffic, and that’s ok because it has been done and it is now out of your control.

It’s like a muscle, the more you practice it the stronger you become, and better you are able to let go of life’s challenges

Find a Better Perspective/Option

A lot of the time we hold on because we think that there is nothing better, or that we will lose this one precious thing for good. When in reality there are plenty more fish in the sea, I mean there are 7.5 Billion people on this planet, do you really think that she was really the only person that could love or you loved?

One thing that really helped me get over one of exes is to realize that I’m available to meet other people again – there were so many options, of course your mind still says “but I want her” or “she’s different or special”. Whatever excuse that your brain generates, just go out there and find more options. There is always better perspectives to take on and always better options!

Live in the Present

“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”
– Lao Tzu

This quote brilliantly encapsulates the notion that where we choose to live, determines our state of being. If you think about all the times you were depressed you will realize that it is often because you are focusing too much time and energy on past events, i.e. the memories you had with someone before the break up. Spending too much time in the past will make us feel stuck, because we cannot change the past.

Similarly, if you always anxious, it is because you are focusing on the future. No one can predict the future with 100% accuracy, it is always changing and hence unpredictable. So if no one can predict the future then why spending time and energy worrying about it?

This leaves us with the only place that gives a sense of control, the present. Since we only have true control of how we react in the present, it is the place that gives us the most peace. Truly focusing on what is actually happening around you will allow you to let go of the depressing memories and the uncertain future.

Imagine the Future you Looking Back

Imagination is powerful because it allows you to figuratively travel through time and become the master of your reality. Recognizing this you can essentially gain insight into how life would be like under certain circumstances.

So with respect to letting go, you can ask yourself “What will the older version of me (say in 5 years’ time) say to me today?” or “what will this experience mean to me in 10 years’ time?”

A lot of the time when we look back, the painful events we experienced in the past become insignificant and often times add to our repertoire of funny anecdotes. By seeing life from a broader perspective, we begin to accept how these seemingly big painful events are the necessary turning points that help us grow and expand.

In the end, when we see the bigger picture in life, it’s just a series of straight lines with an occasional blip here and there.

Forgiveness

Worry and regret have no purpose but to drag us down and keep us bound to pain.

Forgiveness is powerful, because it dissolves the emotional shackles that bind us to our past. Where we no longer need to be a slave to the past if we just learn to forgive. When you say “I forgive you” what you are essentially doing is letting go of the pain and allowing yourself to move on.

It is like a key that unlocks the shackles to your past and sets you free. Practice forgiveness in your life and you will start to see just how powerful it is in freeing you from pain.

Take Your Time (Keep at it)

Letting go is a continuous process, it’s not a one-time exercise. I have practicing the art of letting go for about 4-5 years, and let me tell you it’s not easy, but it gets easier the more you practice it. (I’ve been rejected so many times as an actor, now I don’t even break a sweat when I just miss out on being cast in a major Hollywood film).

There will be times when your emotions and thoughts surface and try to drag you down again, and that's ok. Keep practicing the art of letting go, you will get better at it by starting to let go of the small things first, then work on letting go of bigger and bigger things.

Remove Conditional Statements (Bonus Tip)

Holding on can become like a mental sickness, where we start to bargain or negotiate with ourselves, making up a myriad of reasons why we should hold on.

We might start saying to ourselves things like, “I will be happy when I get back with them”, or “I should have spent more time with them.”

These conditional statements do nothing but blind us from reality and fuel us in our pursuits to gain control once again. It takes us away our power to do anything about it and places us in a prison of uselessness.

Do yourself a huge favor and stop living conditionally!

Letting Go is a Superpower

Like anything worth having in life, it takes time and energy to develop this so called "superpower". I have used these techniques many times and they work wonders. In the end, it's really about where do you place your focus? If you focus on holding onto all the things that cause you pain, you will live a life of misery. However, if you decide for yourself to let go of the pain, you will begin to grow beyond yourself and become stronger than ever.

Peace~

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