Manipulation is difficult to spot and overcome in relationships, especially those of a romantic nature—and manipulative behaviour can range from subtle and unconscious to overt and calculating. But whatever end of the spectrum it's on, manipulation in relationships tends to chip away at a couple's bond as well your own personal happiness.
Indeed, "for a relationship to work, you must find a way to stay on the same team" and "manipulation turns you into enemies" because it stems from deceit, explains Londin Angel Winters, an intimacy coach and author. To better understand where this pattern comes from, how to recognise it in yourself or a partner, and then how to move forward, we asked Winters to break it down. Read on to learn how to spot the warning signs of manipulation in relationships and how to recover from it. "Subtle manipulation involves seemingly 'well-meaning' or 'harmless' gestures that actually create a lot of problems. In other words, the person doing them intends no harm, but does damage without realising it," says Winters. Some of the "early signs of subtle manipulation include not saying what you really mean and not showing what you really feel." As she says, the intention isn't usually to hurt someone else. In fact, they could even be "motivated by a desire to be polite, harmonious or non-confrontational." But over time, these things tend to close off lines of communication and lead to deeper issues.
This is because "they are usually veiled attempts to get what we want, whether that is love, approval, connection or avoidance of conflict," she explains. Here's why intention doesn't always trump results: "They do damage because they are a form of deceit." When we hide what we are truly feeling and we pretend things are one way when they are, in fact, another," and at the core, these are all forms of dishonesty.And the thing is, this behaviour is pretty common, much more so than intentionally harmful manipulations, partly because "we do not realise how damaging these behaviours are to a true, passionate connection." It's also important to note that there is definitely a distinction between this kind of manipulation in relationships and emotionally abusive ones. "It does serious damage to the emotional heart, and therefore contributes to relationships feeling less than satisfactory, even destructive," Winters explains.
In other words "while seemingly quite innocent and harmless, this manipulation creates distance between partners because there is a lack of honesty in the dynamic, a pretending of sorts, which leads to a false sense of connection. Over time, such subtle behaviours can truly sabotage a long-term relationship."As always, "It is best to confront your partner by showing them how you are feeling." But try not to enter the conversation with the assumption that you know what's going on and "do not shame or blame, or throw possible theories of what is wrong on their lap. Instead, authentically communicate how they are making you feel and create an opening for a deeper truth to be revealed." Communication is key