Complex Post-Traumatic what? Complex complex complex. I have a complex of complexities, and it prevents me from functioning normally in every day life. It’s complicated. Sometimes it petrifies me and I can’t move, sometimes I curl up and cry all day, sometimes it throws a wrench in my relationship, and it’s as difficult to live with for me as it is tough to deal with for my husband. We’ve had to learn to communicate with each other in non-violent ways, and it’s helped us talk through emotional flashbacks, analyse triggers, it’s helped me express what I need without regretting anything I’ve said, and helped my husband understand what I go through every day without freaking out.
Let’s begin with the basics. What is Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD)? Here is my very own definition of PTSD that you can also find on my website: PTSD is a manic and obsessive debilitating effect of trauma, causing one to be in a constant state of reaction from a past traumatic experience. It includes intrusive flashbacks of the trauma from simple ”triggers” such as intonation, words, phrasing, emotions, dreams, etc, and this occurs often and continuously if the mind doesn’t protect itself from things that can remind it of the trauma. The triggers will occur at random and cannot necessarily be foreseen. So then the mind creates avoidance patterns as a protection in order not to think about the trauma. Panic symptoms (feeling panicky as much as a downright panic attack) can occur when one undergoes physiological stimuli to traumatic cues. A trauma, such as abuse, can make the victim feel ”shattered” inside, or even defeated and powerless. The victim will then develop the assumption that they are too vulnerable, feel little personal worth, and will pretty much feel that life is not fair. They may develop fears or phobias to constantly check their environment and monitor others to make sure that everything is safe and that they are not being, or going to be, mistreated. Some of the most common symptoms of PTSD are anxiety, panic-attacks, outbursts of rage (also known as a rage-attack), chronic depression, borderline disorder, self-punishment and social withdrawal.
So what’s the difference between C-PTSD and PTSD? Today people refer to PTSD for trauma caused by war and accidents, whereas C-PTSD is trauma caused by abuse, and other mental and emotional traumas. Mine is caused by abuse: verbal, emotional, psychological, sexual, mind-control and brainwash, all caused by the same psychopath and narcissist.
For a long time my self-worth was really low and I didn’t think I would ever find the relationship I desired, especially not after having been brainwashed that I was undeserving of having one man be devoted and committed to only me. When I found that man, it was crucial to me for us to be completely honest with each other. We didn’t know how bad it was going to get, but we knew that my C-PTSD symptoms were beginning to worsen and that it was going to get a lot worse before it got better.
What helped both of us through the process of discovering, exploring, analysing and healing, was the use of NVC, which is Non-Violent Communication. There are tricks to how to communicate non-violently and it’s really not as straight-forward and easy as it sounds. In the heat of an emotional flashback, when he says something that triggers me, and all I want to do is let out my rage, the last thing to do is to communicate violently. I worked hard to identify these triggers and flashbacks and to express them as such, and he worked hard to express his reactions and responses in a way that would not fuel the trigger, but reassure me instead and help me climb back up the Emotional Scale. Today, I can let out my rage more constructively, and we can bounce around analytical ideas and thoughts in order to understand what I lived in the past.
All this analysis of my mental illness has also allowed me to understand my cycle better. My cycle lasts 26 days: I have 10 days of pre, about 5 days of menstruation, about 5 days of post, and 5 to 7 days of safe zone. Having anxiety and a burnout on top of C-PTSD kind of limits what I can do sometimes, but knowing where I am in my cycle, I can determine whether I can handle a big crowd better than in other times of my cycle. When I’m “on the verge” (a day or two right before I start my period) I usually avoid everything and almost everyone. Healing anxiety allows me to expand my capacity to do more when not in the safe zone of my cycle, thus allowing me to tackle and explore traumas more easily.
Isn’t it strange how C-PTSD, such a terrible illness, can also be such a wonderful guide and aid? It also allowed my husband and me to be so honest with each other, that when we have arguments unrelated to flashbacks, genuine couple’s arguments, we apply the same principle for communicating and analysing. There are a few ways that living with C-PTSD has actually helped improve our relationship, some in more odd ways than others, which I will get into another time.
The main thing that being open with my husband helped me to do was being honest with myself and being able to let it all out. I used to be so scared and so ashamed about what happened to me. People who know me know that I have no filter, I go into TMI territory (Too Much Information), but this was a topic I could not get into. However, after opening up and seeing the understanding and love of one person, I started talking about it to more people. Today there are still a few details I’m not yet ready to talk about, but the filter is pretty much gone, and that’s why I’m going to save some topics for another post, because I could go on and on, and Steemit would overload with TMI.
My Definition of PTSD reference: https://binkyproductions.com/binkyink/healingthroughhumour/
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