From my many years of studying relationships and love, both personally and professionally, here are some very deep truths:
1. No one is entitled to love. It is elicited by being valuable.
People automatically feel love for others who are valuable as a survival and reproductive partner. If you don't have value, you won't trigger those feelings in others. The fantasy promoted by romantic comedies that we are all entitled to someone "loving us just as we are" is simply not true. After all, as guys know, they didn't fall in love with the shy, obese girl in the corner. Simply being a "nice person" doesn't cut it as value either, by the way. Women do not get to consciously "choose" to love you; if done right, they have little choice but to feel attracted to you. So instead of sitting around complaining that others should love you, make yourself someone that has something of value to trade and influence. You have to bring something of value to exchange with others, especially when you want something of value from them in return.
2. All fair trades are negotiated.
Once you have something of value, others will often want to steal, manipulate, or cheat to get it. In other words, don't assume others will trade fairly. Don't just assume that your date would appreciate you spending your hard-earned money on her or that your care would be reciprocated without asking. More often than not, it will not be.
You have to negotiate for yourself. If you don't care about yourself, then really why should anyone else? Learn to manage a fair trade. Learn to ask for what you want and to walk away when you did not get it.
3. Trade value for value, not for emotional validation or cheap words (not backed by actual behavior).
Do not trade your tangible value and concrete services in a relationship for nothing more than "feel goods" and validation. Learn to make yourself feel good so that you wouldn't be emotionally needy and dependent on a partner for validation. Trade with a partner as an equal, for the things that actually meet your real physical and psychological needs. Spoken words like "I love you" only carry meaning when they are backed up by actual loving behavior. If you can't trade them in for reciprocity and effort from your partner at a later date, then you've simply been conned. Behavior talks, BS validation walks.
- Sarah