Copyright ©2018 by The Good Elder. All rights reserved.
Earlier this month, I found myself considering the plight of someone close to me who was experiencing a crisis of confidence. As I observed this person's wrestling, it caused me to reflect upon those moments in my own life where I, too, experienced crises of confidence. Sometimes, a lack of expected feedback can have us feeling inadequate, questioning our value, or make us wonder if what we're doing is worth the effort. As I contemplated this life circumstance, the following message flowed from it.
In this world, we all have both performed and been the beneficiaries of thankless jobs. These are the countless myriad of tasks and duties that truly make the world go 'round. Among the most thankless of jobs is that of being a parent. For years, even decades, parents sacrifice time, money, sleep, contentment, and personal gain for the benefit of their children. They willingly make sacrifices that their children won't even have the capacity to understand until they have their own children (or at least until they're grown).
School teachers also perform the invaluable, but often thankless job of trying to teach other people's children how to live in this world, not only with technical skills, but also in providing structure, discipline, and a living example. After a year or two, the teacher may never see those students again. However, if the teacher is fortunate, perhaps a relative handful of the hundreds or even thousands of students taught over the years will come back after several years and say, "Thank you!"
Ministers, likewise, often perform a thankless job in working to provide the members with spiritual guidance, practical advice, wise counsel, and a living example. They often sacrifice time, money, and take criticism for being the voice of conscience to people caught in the snare of temptation. But, every now and then, a member will go to his/her minister and say, "Thank you!" for that Word spoken or that prayer offered so many months or years ago. "It gave me hope when the bottom was falling out..."
And yes, dare I say it, but sometimes, being a husband or wife is a thankless job. As much as we may love our spouse, sometimes, the burdens of life cause us to overlook or take for granted the support that our spouse provides us. This is especially true when the initial flames of passion have long cooled down.
These and other scenarios are, unfortunately, all to common in daily life. Many days, we all have felt unappreciated, under-appreciated, and taken for granted by our thankless beneficiaries; sometimes causing us to doubt or question our value or effectiveness. Because we all have experienced these feelings of insufficiency, we can now look more closely at our shared experience of how fleeting emotions often give rise to the illusion of inadequacy.
Let us anchor ourselves in a familiar scripture that takes us on a journey with Elijah the prophet at a moment of discouragement. The Bible records that Elijah "requested for himself that he might die; and said, 'It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers.'"
This was the same Elijah who, by his word, stopped the rain from falling. This was the same Elijah who, by his courage, lived on water from a brook and food from the ravens. This was the same Elijah who, by his obedience, took refuge in the home of a widow woman, and blessed her with meal and oil for her faithfulness. This was the same Elijah who, filled with compassion, raised her child from the dead. This was the same Elijah who, by his faith, mocked the prophets of Ba'al and called down fire from heaven. This was the same Elijah who, by his zeal, killed the prophets of Ba'al in an effort to save his people from idolatry. And, after all that he had done, from saving a life, to restoring life, to showing the power of God, Elijah came to believe that, because he had received a death threat (its gravity notwithstanding), that his work was pointless and his efforts meaningless.
We, on the outside looking in, marvel at his miraculous works, his spiritual authority, and his amazing courage. We are reading this account of him in the Bible, thousands of years after he was here, and we may wonder, "How is it that such a great man and servant of God came to question his worth?"
However, Elijah's experience teaches us that anyone who takes on human form and spends any significant time on earth will one day fall victim to the illusion of inadequacy.
No one is immune, no matter how confident, no matter how intelligent, no matter how wealthy, no matter how attractive, no matter how loved, no matter how blessed, no matter how good our intentions are... everyone will, at some point, will succumb to the illusion of inadequacy. At some point, we all will find ourselves having given our all, only to find that the results and subsequent actions do not meet our expectations. The day will come when we will have done our best, and we will still fall short.
We will, most likely, experience a time when our efforts and contributions undoubtedly made a positive difference or beneficial impact for a person or group, and that person or group will not express appreciation. In fact, they may even become upset because our influence was helpful and theirs didn't work! In that day, the disappointment may feel overwhelming, the frustration may give rise to alternate bouts of anger and feelings of worthlessness. And we will find ourselves firmly entrenched in the illusion of inadequacy! And, the troubling question arises:
"Am I (doing) enough?"
In such times, we may become lost in a sea of swirling emotions where doubts nag us and logic fails us. Certainly, there are times when we make mistakes or do something incorrectly; but it is a qualitatively different thing to lose faith in one's self or to question one's own value, or the value in doing good. When the emotions ebb and reason returns, we can come into the knowing that those feelings of inadequacy were based in something other than truth! In the moment, it can certainly feel very real, very convincing, and very demoralizing. But, in the end, it is merely an illusion.
Sometimes, our expectations lead us to this place. In the case of Elijah, for example, we can conjecture that perhaps Elijah expected the king and queen would also turn; but maybe Jezebel's death threat him him especially hard (i.e. "If bringing down the fire from heaven wasn't enough, I've failed.") He seemed so focused on what didn't go as expected, that God had to tell him, "Yet I have left Me seven thousand in Israel, all the knees which have not bowed unto Ba'al, and every mouth which hath not kissed him." In other words, "Elijah, don't look at her and see failure; look at them and see success!"
If we can endure the emotional storms that rage in this illusory place, if we can endure the quaking that shakes our confidence, if we can endure the fires that purge our errant expectations, then perhaps the LORD can likewise comfort us during our crises of confidence! Perhaps God will whisper to us in the stillness of our own silence, maybe He will reach us through the words of a loved one, or perhaps He will touch us through the lyrics of a song playing on the radio; but however He makes His presence felt, if we have made a Way for God in our internal wilderness, He can reveal to us that our feelings of inadequacy are just an illusion!
We can take instruction from the recipients of lifetime achievement awards that famous groups give to people who've made a mark in various arts, services, science, etc. Most often, these ones are only recognized for such achievement after years continuous, dedicated, and usually excellent service (often 20 years or more).
When these ones began their career, although the desire to succeed was certainly present and likely very strong, these ones almost always, to a person, cite their "love for the craft", their "love to serve"... In other words, their passion for doing this thing is why they started doing this thing. And, as is the pattern of life, they inevitably faced some challenge, some crisis, some test of faith... some event or critique or feeling that caused them to question why they do it, whether they are doing it "right", whether they should continue doing it, and whether it all matters.
Maybe they received a timely word of encouragement, maybe they could no longer tolerate the void created by not doing... but at some point, an inner knowing dawns anew within them that this is why I am here! Perhaps they came to this awareness after many years, after many struggles and countless nights of worry, doubt, and uncertainty; and it is this newer, deeper awareness that compels them to continue with renewed vigor.
In truth, sometimes, God explicitly decouples the confirmation from our efforts so that we can demonstrate (to Him and to ourselves) that we perform good works from the heart simply for the sake of doing good, and not for the reward of being recognized, praised, or compensated.
Like Elijah, we all have experienced such moments in life, moments where we call into question our everyday good deeds, and even all of our life's work. "Am I doing it right? Should I even be doing this at all?" When we wrestle with this illusion of inadequacy, let us remain mindful of Paul's exhortation to the Galatians (chapter 6):
[9] And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.
Yes, the teacher can teach, but will the students study and learn? The parents can provide a nurturing home, but will the children appreciate it and replicate it for their own? The spiritual ones can preach by their living, but will others in the world see and do likewise? The spouse can be a generous help-meet, but will the other spouse likewise offer the same love and support? The charitable one can donate food, clothing, and money; but will the destitute put them to good use? We often cannot (and will not) know how, when, or whether our efforts will "work"; then again, our charge is to simply do. We plant, and we water, but only God gives the increase! We are blessed for the doing, not for the outcome.
Whether the receiver receives the gift or not, our doing ensures that a gift is available; and that is why we do!
So, until the Light shines and we can see clearly and accept the doing of good for the sake of doing good, we'll have to follow God's Word to Habakkuk: "The Just shall live by his faith."