I walked past a beggar in the street yesterday, I didn’t give. As I justified my decision to myself I noticed that I was hardening my heart.
In the exodus Pharaoh hardened his heart against the slaves and in the end Gd hardened his heart for him causing him untold damage.
Pharaoh would refuse to let the slaves go, experience a plague, regret his decision, the plague would stop and he would recover and refuse again.
This behavior pattern is actually so familiar, like promising never to eat chocolate again at the dentist only to eat it as soon as the tooth feels better.
Every time we do something that is contrary to our instinct or our better judgment, it gets easier to do in the future , till it can change our nature. The first time it may disturb us but the next time it will bother us less.
A heart needs to be supple in order to expand and contract and work at its best. A hardened heart is more liable to be weak, to break.
I needed to give not for the sake of the receiver but for myself, to exercise the giving muscle and exercise the heart.
Wonder what I will do next time?