I planned to write about something completely different today but, as it is, it is no longer I who lives….. Lol
I felt the urge to masturbate again today. It came so strong (my God! It was so strong) and for a moment, I thought I would give in. I thought it was over. I thought that everything that I had done in the past eight months to make sure that I didn’t fall back into this trap would tumble right before me.
And maybe this in itself was the issue: “everything
I had done”.
AJ (my friend) told me last night how excited she was that she hadn’t masturbated in a long time. She jokingly said, “I have now started to celebrate masturbation-free birthdays. Just like you!” And we laughed about it and I told her how happy I was that we were successfully growing out of this.
And then today, the wave came so strong that it nearly knocked me down.
Usually, when people come to confide in me about this struggle, the first thing I ask is, “what are you feeding on? What are you thinking about?”
I was careless. I let my thoughts wander to far and forbidden areas. I let myself go for a moment, trying to convince myself by saying “nothing can happen. I’m past this already. I can handle my fantasies”.
Even writing this right now, it’s still shocking to me just how proud and self sufficient I’ve become. It’s almost like I forgot that I didn’t get out of this with my own help in the first place, what ever gave me the idea that I could sustain it on my own strength? ( I have no clue)
When I caught myself, I did the one thing that made sense to me at the moment, I texted my boyfriend (aka prayer partner, accountability partner, pastor, intercessor etc.. Lol) to pray with and for me. He did.
The urge didn’t immediately die down but I took a while to reflect and ask myself how exactly I got to
this point again. I did a heart check and this is what I found:
After this heart check, I texted Emmanuel (my boyfriend) again and I’ll just share a little part of what we said;
Here I stand, reminding myself and you who’s reading this that if you want to see yourself exalted above any situation at all, you need to keep yourself at the feet of Jesus.
It’s the highest place to be. It’s the Most High place.
Be careful about allowing tiny holes through which Satan can gain control of your passions. Never ever ever keep God out. Not even for a second. Watch your steps.
If you’re currently in the process of overcoming a habit, I pray strength for you. I pray that you do not rely on yourself or on your strength. I pray that you remember how mighty and available God’s power is to save and help you. I pray that you continue to walk in the victory that has been given to us in Christ. I pray that our Almighty Father holds you up with His right hand. I pray that His grace and mercy be multiplied unto you. And I pray that you never forget how much this grace and mercy abounds to you.
Amen.
There’s the tendency to think that since we’ve been long done with a habit, there’s absolutely no way it can resurface. Especially if it’s a habit like masturbation. Or fornication. Or drinking. Or procrastination.
There’s the temptation to feel like we’ve gotten to a point where we don’t need God to ‘babysit’ us or rein us in, so we’re free to thread on dangerous waters.
There’s the temptation to forget that we’re humans. Still susceptible to fleeting emotions and passions and that if we don’t let God have full control, this chariot will drive us to our doom.
I forgot how stupid it is to keep God locked out of
any aspect of my life. I forgot. I threaded on dangerous waters and I nearly drowned.
Here I stand, reminding myself and you who’s reading this that if you want to see yourself exalted above any situation at all, you need to keep yourself at the feet of Jesus.
It’s the highest place to be. It’s the Most High place.
Be careful about allowing tiny holes through which Satan can gain control of your passions. Never ever ever keep God out. Not even for a second. Watch your steps.
If you’re currently in the process of overcoming a habit, I pray strength for you. I pray that you do not rely on yourself or on your strength. I pray that you remember how mighty and available God’s power is to save and help you. I pray that you continue to walk in the victory that has been given to us in Christ. I pray that our Almighty Father holds you up with His right hand. I pray that His grace and mercy be multiplied unto you. And I pray that you never forget how much this grace and mercy abounds to you.
Amen.