Sometimes people ask me what makes you go from just happy with running a "normal" amount to wanting to jog to the moon and back, slight exaggeration, as I prepare to run 70 miles.
My answer is surely not the same as everyone's- but here it is, nonetheless.
I know there's lots of good reasons I like to run long... When I crossed New York marathon's finishing line in 2006- I knew I wanted that feeling again- of achieving a distance I didn't know I could... But the main reason currently, are the thoughts that ring loudly in my head often... They fuel me to prove to myself that I am a strong, capable and independent woman.
The wounds of psychological domestic abuse can last much longer than physical ones. I know, as I had both. The physical healed... But I can still hear his voice now and again... It's hard to silence it completely.
His voice, telling me I'll never be anything.
Telling me I am a person who makes other people want to kill themselves.
Telling me I don't THINK like other people/ stuff was all in my head.
Telling me, I only have friends because they don't have to spend extended periods of time with me.
Telling me no one else would ever be able to put up with me.
Telling me everyone says that he doesn't have an easy time of it with me- how sorry everyone feels for him putting up with me.
Telling me I am the reason he loses his temper with the children (and me).
Telling me I would never be anything. I couldn't exist on my own. I couldn't earn enough money to support myself and the children without him.
Telling me my job was a joke, I would never make a living from it. Therefore, it's better he earns all the money and I stay at home.
Telling me I was stupid (I have a law degree?). That subjects I wanted to talk about or express my feelings on were not worthy of his time or attention.
Telling me I was banned from talking about my family, friends, yoga or running.
Telling me I had overstayed my welcome when we were visiting my friends (he had none) and how I had made people feel uncomfortable.
Telling me I was undeserving of any affection.
Telling me that I was irrational and crazy. That people around me told me what I wanted to hear, as they were scared of upsetting me. That all my friends and family were crazy or stupid, also.
Trying to convince me stuff had happened that hadn't, stuff that hadn't happened, had.
My personal favourite was- that I was a different person every two weeks, that when I was one person I didn't remember what the other person had said.
Telling me that I had "got to be bipolar or some shit" (yet every time I went to a Doctor for help, I was simply asked how much emotional support I had at home)....
The Mr Nice guy act in front of others was so destabilising, my sense of reality and intuition became totally disconnected.
I left that situation when I was at my weakest. When I felt like every bit of everything had been taken from me.
When I run I feel invincible. I feel strong and capable. This is the reason that often fuels me to run long.
If you recognise any of those above statements (or similar), please understand that they have no place in a healthy relationship.
It won't change, it won't get better. All abuse worsens over time, and by then- you will be weaker than now.
I am hoping that telling facts about events and statements will help others. I kept quiet for a long, long time.
If you are routinely under-valued at home, disrespected and degraded in a relationship of any kind, it's all about control. The more you plead, cry and beg for justice or a solution, the more this feeds their sense of power. Know that with abusers, their happiness lies in your misery. If you feel desperate and like there is no solution- there is.
Staying for the sake of the children is about as upside down as logic can get, I learned. It does not serve children to think that is healthy or normal.
I had to be told that I was a victim of abuse. It took me months of me being told for me to believe it. I'm not stupid. I was just very weak. I had some excellent help and support from organisations in my country. You are welcome to contact me if I can help.
Thanks for reading.
PS, love is not all you need, sorry John Lennon, sometimes you also need boundaries :-)