I have been facing a lot of challenges lately. 2018 started out so silky, smooth, and spectacular. My lover and I were growing closer with each interaction. Suddenly, he was called to visit Maui and see an inspiring woman he met in his recent travels on the Continent. He told me this and I was struggling with letting him go, loving without attachment. THEN most cell phones in Hawaii received a text alert on Saturday morning saying a ballistic missile was headed towards Hawaii. This is not a drill! It was a mistake, but the stress helped aggrevate tight muscles that aggravated a pinched nerve in my neck. Then I found out my lover was hiding a big secret from me for the last three months, which he revealed the same day we all thought we were about to be incinerated by a missile. Then the next day, he left for Maui.
I have seen recently how I paint a picture of me being in the victim seat, and that I often focus on the negative/insane/frustrating details when telling a story to friends and loved ones. Words are powerful, we conjure with our words. I am excited and grateful for a download about a greater attention and consciousness around them. And also to acknowledge the good things!
During this emotional rollercoaster of the last week, I have also made love to him in such a deeply connected way, us both blasting off as we climaxed together. We spent the last minutes of golden hour light at Kalihiwai bay, and partook in some Mary medicine together. We attended a deeply connective service at the center for spiritual living, where we sang joyous songs and continued to be very close and affectionate with each other. I have received so many reflections from loved ones recently about how beautiful we are together, and thanking us for our open and glowing displays of our love and affection. Since he left for maui, my week has been filled with productivity and so many inspiring social engagements that remind me how I am valued and supported by my community and ohana, and finally that I am worthy of receiving all these gifts and rewards.
But it takes work. I felt challenged, and I sat with the emotions for awhile, and then I had a tantrum. I did not handle the emotional wave with grace, but he received it regardless. He offered encouraging words and reminded me that I am a beautiful bountiful badass! I sat with the comfort, and examined the root of it. I have a lot of shadows to face regarding attachment, codependency, jealousy, and rejection. As he suggested to me, I got ahead of the emotional wave, allowing me to ride it instead of being consumed by it.
Sacred relating is about the journey. Growing together by not giving up on each other. For me the biggest realization is that these things come to the surface when I lose focus from myself. Though we are mirrors and twin flames, and our connection is deep, I must resist the temptation to put all my energy into 'him' or 'us', and continue redirecting it to myself. When I grow, he grows. And vice versa.
Anyway, this became a long vulnerable post after all... I love myself and the chaos and the complexity of it all. Not everything can be simple or exist within the comfort Zone.
I love him, this gorgeous, jovial and passionate man. Only a few more days until we are reunited!