Curious times we live in. Too much information to handle, all seems relevant one day and it's forgotten the next. It almost happens the same way in relationships at this point. Things can seem like a big deal but in the end they'll be soon buried under the unforgiving overload of stimulation we can get everyday in this modern world.
Drawing by me
These last days my level of consciousness fell from an all time high to a depressing low. I guess this is one of the reasons why esoteric knowledge isn't handed out to everyone easily, you can experience such levels of energy that if you don't know how to manage them they will turn against you.
It would seem that the deeper you can dive into your spiritual world, the stronger the ego resists to break away from the old patterns on which it stands. It's comprensible: the old patterns equal solid ground to it, it can feel safe there. It brings up the question: why is the spiritual path so cruel with the ego? Why does it need to shake it's foundations and make it fall? Is this really necessary?
While i don't have an answer to those questions, i can say without doubt that if we are able to challenge the established patterns we can find new experiences that can be surprisingly healing. But we can't be lazy. Laziness IS the repetition of pattern.
For example, now that I'm learning about Sacred Sexuality, i was happy about the first experiences and that made me think i had "cracked the code". However, after a few days, i had accumulated a lot of energy and didn't continue to take the exercises seriously, which allowed my ego to step back in, and direct all this new energy back into the old habits.
It's insane i have spent all my life only touching one part of my body to get pleasure and release tension. Thinking about giving time and attention to each part of my body seems like it will take forever, and that's a great example of where one should not be lazy. To break the pattern its necessary to experience the discomfort of working through the impatience ingrained in the egoic mind, which seeks instant gratification all the time.
So today, after much tension and low vibrations, i gave myself the time to massage my whole body, section by section. It was both pleasant and painful, but the pain was good because it was just the unprocessed emotions which were being held in each area and needed to be released. It involved a fair share of crying and realizing how much i had lost my way these days. There was also a lot of forgiving and accepting.
At some point i realized that taking care of oneself was the same as taking care of a garden. It requires patience and giving into the process instead of the results. Maybe women have one known how to do this for a while, but as a man i can say that this is not talked about at all with other guys. Since being a teen, the only way and for getting pleasure and release was wanking with one movement back and forth only focusing on the penis. Though I never tried proposing anything else something in me tells me that I would have been embarrassed if I would have even mentioned doing something like I'm doing right now.
But screw it, these are times of change and I am glad they are.