It was another day in the mind-numbing trenches of the Social Justice Wars of the early 21st century when my PC Sergeant started screaming, "Take cover purple penguins! Politically incorrect satire incoming!"

I knew the day would come. The day the category of privilege would be identified that conclusively proves that everyone is a victim of someone else's privilege. That day was July 25th, 2017. What a glorious day!

Finally, we can all acknowledge that we are all oppressed by a privilege everyone has. It was just what I needed to legitimize my feelings of chronic oppression! It explains everything. And what is the category of privilege that oppresses us all? Here it is:

Intelligence.

That's right, intelligence! Unfortunately, the privilege of identifying this privilege category was appropriated by a privileged white guy named Dan, who had to demonstrate his intelligence privilege by terming it 'cognitive privilege' instead of 'intelligence privilege'.

Having identified cognitive privilege, he then turns around and rubs it in our faces by using big words! Can you believe it? How dare he!? I am suitably outraged. But we can give him a pass, after all, it isn't every day we get a new privilege category that can be specifically quantified for each and every individual on the planet.

Now we can mandate IQ tests for everyone in order to establish the cognitive privilege hierarchy. We can get forcibly tattoo everyone's IQ on their forehead so their relative privilege will be visible to everyone, it's a new and improved scarlet number! It will be the great equalizer!

Now anytime someone more cognitively privileged than I am tries to correct me or tell me what to do, I can scream "Check your privilege, you cognitive scum!" And I can feel shame when I see someone with an IQ lower than my own. The perfect mechanism for achieving social justice has been found, fully self-reinforcing and unavoidable. Glorious!

Fortunately, by identifying cognitive privilege as the scourge it is, Dan also did us all a favor by helping us identify the greatest oppressor of all, the one man in the world who oppresses all of us with his cognitive privilege. Who is he? His name is Terence Chi-Shen Tao. With an IQ of 230, Terence has the highest measured IQ of anybody alive.

That privileged cognitivist tyrant! How dare he? That is so politically incorrect, doesn't he understand how hurtful that is to the rest of us? How is it that one guy, just because he was born cognitively privileged, can have the right to make the rest of us feel stupid in comparison? Doesn't he know his mere existence hurts all of our feelings with his irrefutable displays of cognitive privilege!? Especially those of us who aren't that great at math? Damn it! Check your cognitive privilege, Terence!

Unfortunately, this has also raised the greatest conundrum of the modern social justice movement. We don't know who we are to champion as the greatest victim of us all. That is an injustice that cannot be tolerated! We need to find the person with the lowest IQ on the face of the planet and give him/her/(f)aer/em/per/them/ver/xem/hir a prize for being the most cognitively oppressed! We need to raise him/her/(f)aer/em/per/them/ver/xem/hir up and out of his/her/(f)aer(eir/pers/their/vis/xyr/hir underprivileged state!

We need... oh wait... as Dan pointed out: "We now know that intelligence is not something we have significant control over but is something we are born with." Shit. That means we might not be able to stop cognitive privilege from oppressing him/her/(f)aer/em/per/them/ver/xem/hir. What are we to do?

Fortunately, I have a solution. We just have to create an even playing field, and I know just how to do it. Hold on to your seats, you might not like it, but when you think it through logically, it is the only way for us to stop our cognitive privilege from disadvantaging everyone less intelligent than ourselves. It is also the best way to stop the more cognitively privileged from oppressing the rest of us.

Are you ready? Here it is: lobotomies for everyone! Paid for by the someone else, of course.

We'll start with Terence, who I am sure will understand, then we'll hit the top ten. Hmm...based on that list, it looks like we may have to exhume a few people, but after that, it should be clear sailing. The last brave low-IQ doctor, who will have been volunteered to support this most just of social justice solutions, will just have to just jab himself in the eye and swirl the stick before he loses consciousness. The new utopia is upon us!

Now, who's with me?

p.s. I thank Terence Tao for being a good sport for his inclusion in this bit of satire, we need more people like Terence, not fewer. Respect! I can only hope he doesn't find himself targeted by real social justice warriors for his "cognitive privilege".

p.p.s. For non-satirical commentary on "cognitive privilege" see Daisy Luther's excellent write up "Smart People Need to Check Their Cognitive Privilege.". Also enjoy the comments on ZeroHedge, here.

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Shot with a golden arrow,

Cupid Zero
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Source of Terence Tao image