What A Lovely Day To Be An Ab-Agnostic!
(You'd Have To Be A Genius To Not Take Me Seriously)I am an extremely devout ab-agnostic. I must begin this communication wholly on the affirmative! We are an ancient and proud people, yet are forbidden to profess our faith except in jest, lest we cause an anomaly in space time that swallows all negativity forever and permanently reverses the polarity of the universe! (We woudn't want that, as we fully accept things as they are.) Therefore, take everything you are about to read as theoretical only! Do be careful that your mind does not become too overly persuaded by our argument which, in truth, has no opposition whatever!
As ab-agnostics we deny one thing only, and that is denial itself. Where doubt is concerned we hold extreme doubt as to whether it truly exists. (That is a mild way of saying that it cannot, will not, shall not, never has, never will, and by no means could ever exist!) We are skeptical to the max whether skepticism is a genuine entity in the macrocosm. Here lies the very core of the ab-agnostic position, which again, is 100% correct and has absolutely no chance of being wrong, in this universe or in others!
Keep in mind you must be very cautious, my dear reader, because whether you agree with me or not, you will find that you do! For we ab-agnostics vehemently disagree that disagreement is possible. So we are all on the same page here. But considering you do agree 100% with what I've said thus far (which has a 100% chance of being the case) we have reached a little conundrum, or paradox, one could say as a figure of speech not at all real!
The conundrum is that if everything I've delineated thus far is accurate, this whole world should swallow itself up into the Radiance of the Impossibility of Negation which Negates All (That Never Existed To Begin With). The holy RINNA, far from a problem (which aren't real anywhoo) is what makes us ab-agnostics tick! (by us, I mean you, and me, and everybody, because assuming that you are real, you must believe that that which is real is real, therefore you must disbelieve that which is false, therefore you must needs be an ab-agnostic!)
There are some who (by necessity rightly!) complain that our noble faith is difficult to follow or comprehend, or that it is pointless or ridiculous! These people are all definitely correct, since being wrong is wrong idea in the first place! See how easy it is to be a lovely ab-agnostic! I can by the pained expression on your face you agree with me, for disagreement is of course absurd (a logical impossibility) for all things must by necessity get along as the pieces of a puzzle do! Otherwise, the universe could not have any coherence, and would just be a cosmic putty of jello (gross!) But let us leave off the graphic depictions of those ideas which seem to run contrary to ours (which actually jog alongside them like childhood friends, busily chatting away!)
Wow... I am overwhelmed (actually just whelmed, but people pretend to get confused when I say that [by the way, confusion isn't a thing]) by the pure joy and wonder we have evoked today, during this most holy sermon of mine. I truly feel the full force of the Presence of the total certitude that uncertainty certainly doesn't exist! I couldn't be happier (for how can one be more happy than happy?) that all present have seen the Glorious Light of Ab-agnosnia (for, having seen Truth, one cannot un-see It!). We shall forever thrive in the central paradox of the Impossibility of Negation which Negates All That Never Existed to Begin With!
Impossibility of Impossibleness,
9/10/17
Thank you kindly for attending today's service. You have shown yourself to be an especially devoted ab-agnostic, and for this you shall be most blessed in the non-negated eternity. We also thank you for your generous donation into the collection plate (which you have not yet made but we know you will, since you ca'n't very well not want to contribute to our most excellent cause!) Be sure to study your scriptures very studiously this week (any and every book are part of our canon, since for something to not be contained within ab-agnosia would imply its nonexistence!) Have a wonderful day with Zero Chance of its not being a wonderful day!
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Disclaimer: This article is satire! Take it seriously at your own risk! Before you get annoyed, angry or offended by what was said in it, for the love of all that's good and wholly, PLEASE go find out what SATIRE even IS before you make comments that are liable to make you look quite silly indeed!
All photos are public domain use.