I Hate Cold Days
It has gotten a little cold today. Man, I hate cold weather. Not only do you slip and slide, but it also seriously interferes with my enterprises. In short, cold weather it harder to sell Global Warming. I mean, how are people going to believe me that the planet is getting warmer, if we experience cold days?
Anyways, I continued my work. For the last week I have been working on a new study. I measured the temperature in my room with the air conditioner on and off and copared how the temperature changed. This new study should help me to raise some doubts and undermine the fact that Global Warming is indeed a lie. I found that using an air conditioner significantly increased the temperature in a room when set to heat. So, air conditioners contribute to Global Warming. With this study I should be able to damage the air conditioning industry, destroy a few jobs and existences and push for my socialist propaganda. It was a succesful day I would say. Sadly, it took me quite some effort to get there. Research is challenging and problems always come up when you do not expect them.
As soon as I finished measuring my data, I tried to put it all in an Excel table. When I tried to plot it, my computer suddenly crashed. This was not the first time technology failed me. My computer crashed a couple of times already. I need a new computer. I need money. Well, luckily I am a scientist, and since I work for the government, I decided to head to my lab and pay a visit to the local government agent that oversees our lab work.
Where Is Waldo - No Seriously, Where Is he?
The local overseer is actually cold Waldo. He is a great guy. Just recently he managed to block a suit from some truthseekers that would have prevented fluoridation of water. If it had succeeded, fluoridation would have stopped, and people would have gotten smarter because the fluoride would not have lower their IQ anymore. Well again, Waldo was able to block the suit and we can continue making people´s IQ lower and make money of of them, selling toxic vaccines and medication to them.
I got to the lab and started searching for Waldo. Sadly, he was not in his office. So I went and walked around the science buidling. He was nowhere to be found. The only people I could find were some students and our brainwashing agents.... Ehm, I mean teachers. Indoctrination is key to spread science and our propaganda.
Since I did not find him in any office or indoctrination room, I started looking for Waldo in my laboratory. He was not there. But where is Waldo?
After spending a good few hours in the science complex, I was unable to find Waldo. I really need a new computer to finish this study. I tried to remember what we were taught during science base training. What to do if you need money as a scientist? Well, you write a research grant.
I went online, to a website that is only accessible to verified members of the science community. Here the government publishes research proposals that scientists can download and then submit for a grant. The nice thing is that those grant proposals can be submitted by anybody in any area of science. A few of my friends made bank submitting some cancer research proposals, even though they are anthropologists.
The problem is that I have to find some research articles in our holy books, also known as research journals. They provide us with helpful, very biased and non-reproducible evidence that is based on false statistical analysis. Few people know how faulty science is. Nothing is right. You should never trust any scientific article. Only your friends know science, unless they are scientists.
Well, I have to check out now. Those grants need a bit time to write, and I really need this money for a computer. Stay tuned!
This satire is based on comments and posts I read about research. Again, this is satire. It is not directed at anybody. I just think that some people have really funny impressions of what science is like. Sorry if anybody feels attacked. This again, is a satire and does not reflect any of my actual opinions. All images were taken by myself.
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